“Just make sure Nazis NEVER march with tiki torches. I’m trying to save Germany, not Gilligan’s Island.” — Hitler’s last words
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You know the best side effect of losing weight? Supersonic hearing. I can hear the crinkle of a candy wrapper or bag of chips through walls.
I would be a workaholic but I can’t stand the taste of workahol.
{Me as a therapist}
HIM: Women don’t like me.
ME: Have you tried becoming a dress with pockets?
Pro Tip:
If you stab yourself in the thigh with your pen you get to leave the meeting.
Fries should be offered more often like yes your mortgage is approved would you like fries with that?
Giving the guy at the park with a machete a wide berth.
*first day as an insurance salesman*
Customer: Can I get a quote?
Me: Sure! “Hold on tight, spider-monkey” 馃グ
Customer: …
Me: …
Customer: …
Me: …Edward Cullen 2008.
“felt cute might delete later lolz”
[oval office]
SECRETARY: (shrieks) there’s a dead rat on my desk!
PRESIDENT WHO IS A CAT: wow someone must really like you *winks*
“I’m so sorry about your grandma passing away. If there’s anything I can do, just name it.”
“How are your resurrecting skills?”
Person: I like you
Me: *eyes narrow* Why
Sometimes when life closes one door it opens another, because apparently life is trying to air condition the whole damned neighborhood.
bank robber: ok listen up this is a robbery, everybody be cool [to me] take off those sunglasses
me: first of all, i can’t do both
Whenever I see a dog in a movie, none of the rest of the movie makes sense.
Why are you dealing with all this conflict and drama?
WHY AREN鈥橳 YOU AT HOME WITH YOUR DOG??
Boy, I hate small talk.
*coworkers all grimace*
He’s right behind me isn’t he?
*Small talk starts cracking his knuckles*
Our kids are making us a special anniversary dinner and I鈥檝e never not worked so hard in my life
sorry kids, Santa is a super spreader.
Van Gone
Today I made a lot of people at work upset by eating my burrito wrong so I figured… Why not spread the joy 馃檭
Sure sex is great and all but have you ever watched someone trip over a curb while getting out of a Bentley?
Not everyone understands my laundry method. It’s simple. If it’s clean, it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty, it’s on the floor over there.
Me: ooo that one is yummy…and that one has kind eyes…oh wow I have always been a sucker for beards…
Cop: Ma鈥檃m this is a lineup. You are supposed to pick out the guy who stole your purse – not the ones you like.
Why should I have to take a first aid course? Why is this on me? Why don’t you take a “how to eat sandwiches without choking” course?
Only thing sexier than a bad decisions is a bad decision with queso.
If I ever meet you and you don鈥檛 look anything like your avi,you鈥檙e buying drinks for me until you do
“If only children came with instructions,” the witch lamented while preheating the oven
Mario! Are you coming to save me from Bowser’s Castle?
PEACH I MIGHT BE
Environmentalism is fine but what if global warming is wrong? Then we made our air cleaner for nothing
*calls psychic hotline*
Psychic: how can I help you?
Me: well this is bullshit.
Matt LeBlanc is short for his full name, Mattress LeBlanket.