[robbing a bank]
Partner: let’s go we’re running out of time
Me: *furiously shoving lollipops in a duffel bag* almost done!
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I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
“I can’t feel my legs”
–mermaids
Have you tried growling until they back away slowly?
I accidentally threw garbage in the mall Public Library return bin with a large “Not Garbage” sign and before I had time to feel bad, my boyfriend yelled
AHA SUCK IT, NERDS!
and that’s how he gets the bestest sex.
If the CIA has my house bugged they’ve heard several impromptu songs about my dog being a good boy.
I texted my ex,
I’m at a cemetery…..
wish you were here.
Do you ever really know if your bagpipe is in tune?
I’ve verified my own account.
It’s utter crap ✔
My nutritionist suggested I eat in front of a mirror in order to slow down and not eat as much and HOLY SHIT THIS IS SO SEXY.
Do I have to put “parody” in my account because I’m not actually a sentient donut?
Wife: y is a penguin w an umbrella in the-
Me:*points to dog dressed as batman* so Bark Wayne isnt bored
W:
M: he needs an arch enemy, Karen
Cat: my owner is asleep. What if he is dead?
Cat 911: just walk on his face and find out.
My tongue was actually in the Guinness Book of World Records until the damn librarian kicked me out.
This cheeseburger fits perfectly into my purse if I leave my wallet out
My wife and I decided not to have kids.
We plan on telling them tonight…
Hey girl are you the supply chain? Because despite extensive explanations I do not understand what is wrong with you
Me: *driving* Look, kids, it’s Godzilla.
Kids: Where?
Me: *pointing* There! The big giant lizard. You can’t miss him.
Kids: WHERE!
Me: He’s picking up our car.
Kids: WHERE?!?
Me: He’s hurling us through the air.
Kids: *crying* I DIDN’T SEE HIM!!
girls w long ass hair love to cut three inches off and be like “i love my short hair omg it’s so short”
You know I’m all about that bass,
‘Bout that bass…
This is the way the world ends.
Not with a bang but with a Zoom meeting that never ends due to technical issues.
To tell the difference between African and Indian elephants you have to look at their ears.
You lift one up and shout “Where are you from?”
drunk guy just yelled “i love you” to dolly parton and she said “i love you too but i told you to wait in the trunk”
does the “apple a day keeps the doctor away” thing work on all types of doctors? my neighbor is a PhD in marine biology and keeps trying to talk to me about the various uses of squid ink
That rare moment when you wake up actually feeling ok, then catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror looking like a kidnapped shed.
What do you mean I can’t change the past?
*logs on to Wikipedia*
when ppl hold the baby and the baby cries & parents say “oh he’s just tired,” we’re lying, the baby really does hate you
Are “authorities” ever not ” baffled?”
A bouncy castle with a low cement ceiling to teach you not to have too much fun
I didn’t realize how many of the songs on my iPod are about sex and drugs until I hit “shuffle” in a car with a 12-year-old in it.