CALIBUR: I love being a calibur!
ME: Stop being a calibur. Arthur needs you.
EXCALIBUR: Ok
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Pronounce it “Valentimes Day” so Cupid will know to shoot you right in your stupid face.
HIP-STAR WARS:
Obi Wan Quinoa-be VS. Darth Vaper
I asked my 4 year old why he was heading into the garage and he casually replied, “don’t worry, dad, I’m just grabbing a hammer.” I know I should intervene, but part of me hopes he’s going to fix the loose baseboard in the hallway.
Being eaten by zombies sounds less painful than running away from zombies.
I just remembered today is the day when a bunch of people tweet super bowel
Did a Yoga for Beginners class this morning. What comes before the beginner class?
Shark tooth necklaces are the perfect accessory if you want to look tough but also tell the world, “i’ve been to a gift shop.”
First rule of camping: bring the kind of toilet paper that won’t attract animated bears.
My kids are old enough to stay home by themselves, so most of my day is spent refreshing Google Earth to see if my house is on fire.
Taken 4: How does this shit keep happening
“Condominium” sounds like a safe sex spell you learn at Hogwarts.
Bake cookies and the house smells good for 20 minutes.
Bake fish and 4 months later the house still smells like an episode of Deadliest Catch.
You say kidnapping. I say surprise adoption.
Tomato, Tomahto
Get in the van.
I create my own luck. Also, my own problems. I’m very creative.
kids these days don’t know but it’s mad how many CD-Rs we were all burning 20 years ago. you’d usually get in a couple before breakfast, ideally nip home at lunch for a quick one, kick back in the evening burning a few and then wake up multiple times a night to insert fresh discs
I’ll never tell you, “I told you so.” But I will tell everybody you know that I did.
Me: [sat in car]
Cop: u forget something? [Points at baby still on roof in his carrier]
Me: OMG yes [gets out & puts on his flying goggles]
Caller: Emergency Sevices? I’m on fire.
Me: That’s great, keep up the good work.
the only thing getting in the way of my diet is food
Thanks, Google, probably could have managed those last two letters myself
Yes Pony Express?
I ordered a pony 27 minutes ago and I still didn’t get it. What kind of fast food joint do you run here?
You can’t die, man! Not right now. Not on my watch! *lifts dead body and pulls watch put from under it*
My husband was so excited to finally have a kid that shared his love for baseball until the bottom of the 8th when she loudly asked “is this baseball or football?”
I think this man might be the one, I say right before he dumps me and I never hear from him again
[opening the fridge to find no yummy snacks inside]
[me to the fridge] you had one job
How many raisins do I have to add to this bag of M&Ms before it qualifies as trail mix? One? I say one.
Overthrowing governments actually sounds pretty coup
How close to the road does something have to be to assume it’s free to take, because that’s a really cool mailbox.
Snooki, but without the orange tan and poofy hair. And she’s in charge of North Korea.
Thank you automatic ice dispenser.
I was hoping to get either 2 or 675 ice cubes.