drug lord: “ill email you when we make the drop, what’s your address?”
me: “[email protected]”
loud from my earpiece: “abort keith, abort”
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*ding*
This is your captain speaking. We… Is this what my voice sounds like? Nobody told me! Haha, wow, weird. We’re out of fuel.
My GF’s anti aging cream went bad.
HOW DOES ANTI AGING CREAM HAVE AN EXPIRATION DATE?!
[titanic, 1912]
Captain: what kind of lettuce do u want on your sandwich
First mate: ICEBERG
Captain: lol no need to shout, Dave
my daughter hones her survival instincts by forgoing the provided bowl and spreading goldfish crackers all over the house to forage & store
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: Remember what we had last night? Cream of that….
do you know who else makes a Big Mac using all 54 ingredients so I don’t have to
None of the parenting books prepare you for the moment your kid uses air quotes correctly for the first time.
[The Cheesecake Factory]
*looking at menu*
Alan Rickman voice: Turn to page 394.
guys in LA in their 30s are like “i love going camping, i love sleeping outside.” and it’s like, ok, why do you bother having your parents pay your rent then?
Do you remember when the most annoying thing on the Internet was a dancing baby?
Yeah, good times
me: can i get a big mac
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: sorry can i get a big mac, your majesty
I just don’t understand pedophiles, kids are SO annoying.
Mario Kart:
1) stays in first place for 3 laps
2) gets passed by 5 people at last second
3) slams controller
4) quits job
5) divorces wife
I’m working on inventing an electronic Ouija board so that I can keep tweeting after I die.
There are some people who when they hit rock bottom, they refuse to just lie there…
They just pick up a shovel and started digging.
TWITTER REHAB IS GOING GOOD YOU GUYS I GOT A NEW FRIEND HE HAS SPECIAL SUGAR AND IT’S AWESOME AND MY YARD HAS 3,957,268 BLADES OF GRASS!!!!
“3 FOR 1 TACOS, TODAY ONLY” I shout into the megaphone. the crowd watches with bated breath.
“I’m coming down,” the man on the ledge shouts
I don’t drink and drive because I can’t ever find my car keys when I’m sober.
Me: so what does your husband do?
Her: he’s a dermatologist
Me: pore guy :/
#FeaturesIWishMyHouseHad
Wish it had walls
If you go to Hell for laughing during prayer, my family will burn for eternity.
God [making birds]: They are going to start screaming in the morning and wake people up really early.
Angel: Like at 6 AM?
God: Earlier.
Angel: 5 AM?
God: EARLIER
I know I’m gorgeous, young and sexy. My secret to eternal youth is a steamy bathroom, so my glasses mist up.
I’ll never get picked for jury duty because I’d be the one on trial…..
*aggressively pronounces luncheon like lunch-ee-own*
Just pulled my classic move of not replying to a text immediately to avoid looking desperate and the forgetting to ever reply to it, making me look unreliable instead.
In high school we had a thing called Ethics Day put on by Chick-Fil-A where they would give out coupons for free chicken sandwiches. My friends and I found the book of all the coupons and stole it. The devils of Ethics Day.
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, ma’am.