[sex]
GF: u bring protection?
ME: ya [i show a gun]
GF: not what I meant
ME: I kno, I have a fox guarding us. The gun is for if it wigs out
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Remember when we had to smack the TV because the channel wasn’t coming in clearly?
I feel that way about far too many people.
[waiting for elevator]
Coworker: Hey, how’s it go-
Me: I’ll take the stairs.
Son told me “Make me a sandwich, woman” and now I have one child instead of two
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Off duty cop: No
*cop gets so close their mustaches interlock like velcro*
You’re driving great, pal
I almost crashed into the semi in front of me while I was looking at a hot construction worker. That would’ve been an embarrassing obituary.
[1st date]
HER: So do you have any hobbies?
SALT SHAKER: Nice dress! It would look great on my floor
HER: What?!
HIM: Just ventriloquism
Jeff: I’m from New Jersey
Geoff: I’m from New Georsey
can u believe that 6 months ago we just let random people breathe on us
How to play chess:
– Look like you’re thinking for a really long time.
– Move one piece.
– Realize it was a bad choice.
– Flip over the table.
Me: *sleeps through an earthquake*
Husband: *gently moves his foot in bed*
Me: Are you going to keep me up all night?
Grocery store
Me: reach something for me?
Tall guy: sure thing!
Me: I have an itch right under my left shoulder blade.
Me: how many bears do you think we could fight as a family
Wife: none you idiot
Me: oh
*growling from closet*
Wife: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE??
When they say jump, you have to be ready to say, into which volcano.
People on here admitted to not having an inner monologue and I thought that was wild because I have an entire executive board in my head with members that have voting powers
COP: Do u know why I pulled u over?
ME: *looks at the penguin in my passenger seat* God damnit Ralph I told u to put ur seatbelt on.
I’m tired of being told to remove my card rapidly. Starting a new ATM for people who wanna remove their card at a more chill pace
Well well well…if it isn’t the clothes I left in dryer last Sunday.
[dinner w/friends]
“How long you two been married?”
It’s been thirt- (wife shaking head)
teenish twenty- (still shaking)
for a long time.
What smells better than it tastes?
A nose.
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed everyone in Chernobyl?
[end of a job interview]
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If you could become half robot, would you do it?
Him:
Me:
Him: Which half?
My dog and I have the same schedule:
6 AM: Wake up
7 AM: Eat breakfast
8 AM: Use the bathroom on our neighbor’s lawn
9 AM: Play
10 AM: Nap
People who race to pull out in front of me and then go below the speed limit, explain yourselves.
A measles outbreak? Weird. You’d think in this day and age, they’d have invented something to protect against that.
Hero: A space monster. I’m gonna blast it!
Scientest: No! We must capture it and bring it back to Earth for science.
Science: I don’t need any space monsters. Go ahead and blast it.
Hitler ruined the Charlie Chaplin mustache for everyone.
when the next drug dog retires can I have it cause I straight up do not remember where I put this bag
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: blurry
She died as she lived—shouting expletives at a box of cling wrap.
Sorry I’m late, I believed the washing machine when it said it only had one minute left in the cycle.