I’m a champion of grammar;
A grampion, if you will.
You Might Also Like
i hope my 2 grandmothers dont find out about each other
*Britney Spears releases a new fragrance*
*the other dinner guests look embarrassed and pretend not to notice.*
This book I found in my closet says to treat your spouse as you would on the first date, so I split the bill and dropped her off at her parents.
When I said that you’d always have a place to stay in rough times, I meant like a motel or a shelter. Anyway … You can’t stay here.
The best way to get over a cold is to get a younger hotter cold
Idk why this guy is alway bitching about his wife, she seems great. When I ate his lunch today the”I love u”note she left him made me smile.
Enters supermarket with a long list.
Exits with a six pack and rotisserie chicken.
If I ever make plans with you, please have backup plans.
There are 2 types of buyers in me:
1.immediately tracks package I ordered 5 minutes ago
2.turns over package from doorstep WHAT THE HELL DID I ORDER??
I once planned a trip around Australia using a dial-up computer that took longer than the trip itself
My son just walked into the room, said hello, asked how I was, then left.
He didn’t actually want anything.
I know! Incredible!
Oh and then I fainted.
I banged my toe really hard on the sofa, and now it won’t stop texting me.
-Luca Brasi sleeps with the fishes.
-He has sex with fish?
-He’s dead.
-I’m not surprised. Having sex with fish doesn’t sound very safe.
I am fed up with all these incest jokes about us Kentuckians. It’s offensive to me as well as Uncle Dad.
I’m really good at compromising as long as I get my way.
Always a bridesmaid, never a new world-order leader in a post-apocalyptic all-powerful matriarchy. Sigh.
job interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness
me: that I need money. imagine if I was adequately funded? my god. the carnage
“Ok, let’s go now” 😂
I love the National Park Service.
life was pretty difficult for me before Legally Blonde taught society to stop discriminating against hot blonde women
Quarantine Stories: We’ve got every TV channel available to us, but my husband and I would rather watch a fly meeting its demise, as our kitchen spider who we named, “Brad Pitt,” settles down for a meal.
Overheard 2 dad’s at the playground wondering if my kid was as creepy as me.
Joke’s on them. I don’t have kids.
It is a truth universally acknowledged that no two people have the same interpretation of the words “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
Recipes that call for cheese are always 2 cups short.
Friends are like snowflakes.
If you pee on them they disappear.
If you died and became a ghost haunting a graveyard you’d save ~$800 a month in rent. That’s over 600k a year. Being broke is a mindset and there’s no excuse for it
Me: I’ll have one of those to go. A Cargarita, if you will. LOL
Bartender: I’m cutting you off
[answering my shoe like a phone] hold on i can’t hear you let me put you on sneaker
i wash my hair the same way i wash a cast iron skillet, with shampoo
Why does my kid always want to become a vegetarian after I’ve bought a shitload of meat