Friend: Can I borrow a pen?
Me: Sure!
*looks in purse*
*pulls out perfume, 17 Hershey kisses, a stapler & a baby goat*
Me: Sorry, no pen. š
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[Guy on street handing out free fake moustaches]
Me: how many am I allowed
Guy: just one
Me: we’ll see
I don’t sit crossed legged to be classy, I’m holding my tampon in
I CANT HOLD THEM BACK MUCH LONGER
Want to feel old? This is what the vampires from Buffy the Vampire Slayer look like now.
[job interview]
“So what would you say is your biggest weakness?”
“I’m pretty bad at reading situations.” *tries to kiss interviewer*
“bro it doesn’t work like a boomerang”
-my friend before getting knocked out by a flying croissant
ME: Heyy baby, tonight I wanna take you to Clown Town.
HER: Donāt you mean Pound Town?
ME: *seductively puts on a rainbow wig and nods ānoā*
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says itās within walking distance.
Don’t you even dare to come near! You won’t like it if I’m forced to release my emotional support bag of onions
nothing makes me happier than searching “colon” on twitter and seeing all the people who have misspelled cologne…
Alcohol because no great conversation ever started over a salad !
My sense of humor can best be described as “Are you okay? Did someone hit you in the head?”
Who hurt you ?
Me: Monday.
If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you you may be in love with a boomerang.
Gonna teach a bunch of old white guys the word “bae” so teens stop thinking it’s cool and it goes away forever.
My niece likes movies about talking animals so I bought her something called The Human Centipede. Sounds cute.
My kid keeps asking if we can buy school merch, and sir you are 7 and that is a t-shirt
Maps used to say cool stuff like āHere Be Dragons.ā Now they just say bullshit like āPortugal.ā
Mom in the 90ās: We need to get you a light coat and warm pants for fall.
Me, showing up to school the next day:
Facebook: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON! HERE’S YOUR WEDDING!
Me: Christine divorced me
Fb: IT’S BOB’S BIRTHDAY!
Me: He stole Christine
Fb: HERE’S A PHOTO OF YOUR DOG!
Me: They took the dog
Fb: I KNOW
Me: Why are you doing this
Fb: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON
Therapist: why canāt you introduce your two groups of friends to each other?
Me: [told one group my name was the space cowboy and the other it was the gangster of love] I just canāt ok
wow he looks just like him
Why is it then when things are going well we say everything is āpeachyā? What elevated the peach above all other fruits to define itself as all that is good? What did it do to deserve such an accolade?
I see you peach, and Iām watching
Yeah itās disrespectful when someone copies your tweet word for word to appear like they wrote it.
But honestly? It almost feels worse when you see someone copied your tweet AND it got no likes or retweets.
Like wait wtf why didnāt their friends like my joke tho? š¤ How rude.
The worst place to be quote tweetedā¦Divorce Papers
I had to cut my own toenails. This pandemic is bullshit.
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
Iāll sleep when Iām dead. But also, 11 hours/night when Iām still alive.
kid dressed as dog: “trick or treat”
me:
wife: “give him some chocolate then”
me: “i don’t want to kill him linda”