Chicken pot pie sounds like such a good idea. If you add commas.
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Give me one good reason not to have a drink.
Hepatologist: Hold my beer.
I am not emotionally unavailable I’m trying to get my new scissors out of the package.
dating me is like dating a golden retriever cuz u will be picking blonde hair off u all day and i get way too excited about everything
6-year-old: I can add AND subtract by hundreds.
Me: That’s pretty impressive.
6: Let me know if you need my help.
I dont’t want to die a virgin because that means I’ll have to have sex with terrorists.
“Quick kid I don’t have much time. In 2020 they will release a super virus in a strategic attempt to wipe ou-“
Doctor: I’m sorry, I did everything I could.
Grieving Family: We just can’t believe you wasted your time getting a PhD in Philosophy.
Joined a band called The Upholsterers. We do Furniture covers.
I go to the bank wearing a Ski mask because I want everyone to know how athletic I am.
Not to brag, but according to my husband I can help with any home improvement project by getting the hell out of the way.
I believe extraterrestrials arrived on Earth via flying lavatories. I believe in scientoiletgy, my friends.
I’m stuck in a meeting where a guy keeps saying “utilize” and “leverage” and I’m wondering if I should tell him about the word “use”.
Random Company: “Why would you like to work for our company?”
Me: “Well sir/madam, I’ve grown very fond of eating and having a roof over my head and I don’t want to lose that.”
It’s really odd but it appears women want a boyfriend that lives thousands of miles away and is married.
“What an ugly baby,” I said, much more audibly than intended.
THIS IS SPARTA!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY HOUSE IN CHICAGO!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY PERSIAN CAT!
*Next slide*
Leonidas, it’s getting late.
I returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
watching annie with the kids and now they want me to put them in an orphanage so a wealthy person can adopt them
anyone who’s put together Ikea furniture knows damn well why they call it a hex wrench
[911 call]
“My hand’s stuck in a blender!”
“Turn it on then.”
“What?”
” I can’t hear it, turn it on so I know you’re not lying.”
My neighbour’s wife left him last week.
She said she was going out for milk and never came back.I asked him how he was coping.
He said, “Not bad. I’ve been using some of that powdered stuff”.
On Facebook:
Them: Look! We’re at the beach!
Me: Look! I’m in your house!
doctor: ah, the picture of perfect health
me: phew, I’m so relieved
doctor: *adjusts nutrition poster* there we go… now, about your diseases…
Things to know before you date me:
1. I party
2. The doctor forgot to cut my umbilical cord so my mom has to come
Got kicked off the cruise ship after three day of constantly saying “poop deck” & snickering.
My neighbor caught me going through my own garbage can to find my engagement ring, so I told her, “There are some great deals in there on Tuesdays.”
STOP HONKING! IF I DRIVE ANY FASTER THE TINY LIZARD THAT HITCHED A RIDE ON MY HOOD IS GONNA FALL TO HIS DEATH. HAVE SOME COMPASSION, PEOPLE.
pretty messed up how “what are you weaknesses” is an acceptable question in job interviews but not on first dates
excited for my first day at at&t as a network engineer supporting national infrastructure. just unplugged a few things in the server room for my space heater. it’s cold in here. should be fine though