me: how do we ask nicely
him:
me: go on
him: PRETTY PLEASE help me deploy my parachute
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My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
Goal as a white guy
1)Pay taxes
2)Never say anything that may come across as racist
3)Find something clever to do with my arms when I dance.
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
[calling work after accidentally tapping the switch that adjusts the driver’s seat] yeah im gonna be a few hours late
cigarettes make you look cool but they take years off your life. two good reasons to smoke
Our youngest’s throat is so sore that she can’t talk, so we’re having her breathe on all the other kids.
Sasquatch is just a regular quatch who tells it like it is.
Hypnotist: you are getting very sleepy.
Me, a parent: I’m already there, pal.
Jewish friend asked me a very funny legal question: “Can you break your Ramadan fast during the eclipse since technically it gets dark?” I had to hand it to him, I didn’t think of that 😂😎🌞🌆
If god can artificially inseminate someone, why did he need two of every animal on the ark to repopulate the world?
On second thought, it was probably a bad idea to start my freestyle rap with “I like oranges.”
Friend: Have you ever experienced a haunting?
Me: I have and it’s unrelenting.
Friend: Sounds awful.
Me: It is. I’m haunted by all of the desserts I never ate.
Friend:
Me: The chocolate cheesecake is the most terrifying.
I need your fingers, rubbing me hard, circling around my red swollen …mosquito bite.
What did YOU think I’m talking about?
Weirdos!!
I just called my boss and told him I have explosive diarrhea. It’s my day off, but I like to keep him informed.
If we all winked, laughed out loud, stuck out our tongues and blew kisses in real life as much as we do in texts…it would be very creepy.
Me: My beautiful daughter, I would cross oceans and move mountains for you. I would fly into the darkness if I knew it would make you happy.
Daughter: Can I have a Dorito?
Me: I’m sorry but these are, unfortunately, my Doritos.
Me, homeschooling:
If a train leaves the west coast at 7:00am traveling 60 mph and one leaves the east coast at 9:00am traveling 45 mph then what time will I get drunk and drop kick my neighbors garden gnome?
*first date*
Her: I have tattoos but I won’t say where, maybe you’ll need to investigate and find out? 😉
Me: Ah gotcha, I love investigating. *calls her mum*
Hand sanitizer either smells like springtime and freshness or an alcoholic bus driver who will beat your germs to death with the power of his rum breath.
If yahoo! hasn’t given up then why should I??
dvd? why are the Ds fighting??
I’m beginning to think the dark circles that appeared under my eyes in 2008 may not go away.
Her: THAT IS NOT A FANCY WATER FOUNTAIN
Me: *pulling my head out of a bidet* what?
Though I hear their
Helpless cries
I eat
Therapist: My job is to know you better than you know yourself, Libby
Me: It’s Abby
Therapist: That’s what you think
“This joke wasn’t funny until the end” okay so that’s called the punchline…….
Actually, I’d rather you shut your talk-hole, not your pie-hole. If you have a hole that gives pie, I’m going in there, because HELLO PIE.
{Comes home after watching Beauty & the Beast}
ME: *Throws dumb non-singing teapot on the ground* You’re not even trying.
83 yo man, “You speak pretty good English for a Chinese girl”. Me: “I’m caucasian”. Him, “Well, any kind of Asian looks Chinese to me”.
How to clean a plastic shower curtain liner:
Step 1: Throw it away and buy a new one for $5 at Target.