Grow up never but we old may grow we
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I don’t know a single person who is age 40 who was born in 2000.
Twitter is great if you can’t afford therapy but you also don’t want to get any better.
Goldilocks: [on Xanax] you know what? these are all fine
imagine if we could only post our deleted selfies in our dating app profiles. lol omg we’d all die alone.
[seeing random coworker at the supermarket] oh hey what’s up! i didn’t know you liked groceries
trying to convince my wife to stop leaving out food for the scarecrow that ominously gets a little closer to the house each night
Unknown number calls and expects me to talk first, welcome to breathing competition.
I’m loyal to my bakery. It’s called pastriotism.
me: Hey!! Four Eyes!!!
Mississippi: *crying*
train me.
no.
train me.
okay.
training montage.
the big fight.
i’m glad you trained me.
i’m glad i trained you.
#everyboxingmovie
get yer dragons here! get yer dragons… I have menthol and non-menthol, get yer dragons!!
Captain hook: hi do you have any quite big gloves? maybe a bit piratey, nothing weird
sales assistant: oh not you again
“I mean if you do the math the most weight I can really gain from the pound of pumpkin pie I ate tonight is only one pound” I thought fatly.
Accidentally texted “Olay” instead of “Okay” and now my text has a smooth, youthful look.
If you’re blowing a horn at me, you’d better be in a band.
I’ve never done Russian Roulette, but I have been in a public bathroom stall with a child who knows how to open doors.
Autocannibalism is self-serving.
Aquafina is Spanish for “tap water in a plastic bottle”
“Catch me if you can, officer.”
*Seductively winks.*screams as police dog takes me down.
My house is cleaner than it’s ever been and given that no one is allowed to come over to see it you’ll just have to take my word for it
I mean I married my wife for her looks, but not the dirty ones she’s been giving me lately.
A twitter swear jar could end world hunger.
Baby Judge: You’re sentenced to 3 jars of strained peas.
*baby bailiffs drop their squeaky toys*
*an infant juror spits up*
Wife: I read my mom that funny tweet you wrote.
Me: Don’t you mean THOSE funny TWEETS?
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: No. No, I don’t.
“on your left u see fred in camo, on your right is bertha, she has ridden many miles on that electric cart.” If walmart had tour guides.
[before date]
friend: you’re a good guy. just let her know that
[date]
her: so tell me about y-
me: I’M GOOD BOY NICE AND KIND
Lord give me the strength to stop buying a sausage roll every single time I pass somewhere that sells sausage rolls.
When I worked in fragrance, my friends and family would ask for samples all the time.
Now that I work in a bank… Same
People who can get up to pee in the middle of the night and fall right back to sleep, explain yourselves.