Friend: [rubs my shoulder] Aw, honey, your life isn’t over. It’s just beginning!
Me: *sobs even harder
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My son is practicing his French horn and I love the arts, I was so excited for my kids to love them, but wow he’s pretty bad.
*ironically creates weapon from olive branch*
Me, anytime I see someone with a dog in a stroller:
what’s wrong with your baby
You know you had yourself a weekend when the kids wake up Monday morning in the same pajamas you put them in Friday night.
I asked my wife suggestions for an exercise routine. She said, “Why don’t you try lunges?”
I said: “That’s a…big step.”
This is why I don’t delete Facebook
My 2 year old woke up.
5 minutes of “Mommy!”
5 minutes of “Mommy?”
Said “Daddy?” one time & my wife said, “You should go check on her”.
Do you have anything the size of an eyepatch on the left & a cantaloupe on the right?
– Me, bra shopping
Good morning to everyone except my husband, whose hand slipped while he was trying to pull up the blankets and smacked me in the face while I was sleeping.
*puts on kevlar vest, gloves and steel toe boots*
*Heads into Costco on a Saturday*
I stood here for an hour then I gave up and went home.
If you want someone to sing 2 seconds before or after they’re supposed to then I’m your girl
I can’t believe Disney didn’t call it “2 Frozen 2 Flurrious.”
don’t hate robert altman’s 1992 satirical comedy “the player” hate david fincher’s 1997 psychological thriller “the game”
My eyesight is just terrible since having kids. I’m always seeing double. It’s a nightmare!
Optometrist: Ma’am you have identical twins…
My 3yo gave me a hug and said, “here is a flower just for you. I got it from the plastic tree you told me not to touch.”
Maybe the caveman who discovered fire was wearing corduroys and running late for a meeting.
oh, you’re a Methodist?
name all the methods
Kid: *falls down*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *runs into table*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *ball hits them in face*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *drops phone*
Me: OMG, did you break it?!
Bro. His friends dared him to go touch your shoe
It’s hard eating this ramen with chopsticks. The broth keeps spilling on the steering wheel.
wild how someone lied about how they got pregnant 2000 years ago and now i have an air fryer
Ted Danson but only if Ted Drinken
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself” shut up. That’s not true at all. Have you ever seen a really big wasp.
Her Tinder profile: I love hiking, riding bikes, long wa–
Me: Sounds like a lot of doing stuff. Next
ME: hmm…tastes like chicken
MORTICIAN: get out
I’m thinking about giving that Call of Duty game a shot, but first I’m gonna try one last time to get past level 4 on Duck Hunt.
All I want for Valentine’s day is a good night out with my boyfriend
My husband says I’ve got to go out with him! Rude
I don’t always forget there’s new glass doors At work but when I do I make sure to walk into them face first In front of my coworkers.
13yo forgot where she put her kindle and 9yo offered to help her find it, and my husband and I couldn’t stop laughing because those two can’t find anything.