Just texted her “thanks for choking on me” I meant “checking” but kinda curious what the response is gonna be.
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Sometimes I put a cashew in my mouth for the dentist to find.
A friend and I just decided that in 10 years if we aren’t married we will tell each other what’s honestly wrong about ourselves.
I just broke two of my dad’s old Queen Records. Now I want to break three.
Ghost: *knocks slowly three times on door*
Me: That’s not the secret knock and if you were *actually* in the Kevin Bacon secret fan club you’d know that
Some parents are blessed with amazing kids and others have kids that decide to learn the trumpet.
Remember when we thought 2016 was a terrible year and wanted it to be over?
Good times.
Some Olympians have been training since they were 5.
I’m hoping my 6yo comes home from summer camp today with 2 shoes on.
We don’t have Taco Bell in South Africa because this country’s been through too much already.
Nobody said you have to like your colleagues.
But apparently there are some explicit rules about poisoning them.
I saw a lady jogging in the rain & I was like, “how sad, she doesn’t know she could be sleeping in her bed right now.”
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
Did you ever ask your parents what went wrong, people named Lasagna?
I finally found the horrific smell in my house. It turns out I have toddlers.
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
A smoke detector, but with voice recognition, that will turn off when you yell, “I’m just cooking”
How do you stop eating chips and salsa do they have to run out or do I die or what
You ever think someone is breaking into your house and then realize oh, it’s just the clothes in the washer I started 5 minutes ago.
Just overheard someone say they need an “escape goat” for their project & I can’t decide if they’re a complete idiot or an evil genius.
“Look we LOVE the script for ‘Murder Bees’, just change the name to ‘My Girl’ and you’ve got yourself a movie!!”
“It’s Your Birthday” Mateo Said. I Didn’t Respond. “Are You Not Excited To Be 15” He Asked. Reading My Book I Uttered “I Turned 15 Long Ago”
me: I love the feel of fresh, crisp sheets against my naked body
clerk: ma’am, this is a Bed Bath & Beyond. please put your clothes on and leave
I just want everyone to know my daughter is a monster. She is dipping french fries in honey mustard. I have failed as a mother.
I lied on my resume yesterday. I told them I wanted a job
[pitch meeting]
Okay so it’s a ton of dogs. Dalmatians. 100 of ’em. I call it “100 Dalmatians.”
[idea man pipes in]
Let’s think bigger
Me: I’m nervous about this interview
Mom: Just focus on the interviewer and answer the questions
Me: That’s a good idea
Interviewer: It is a good idea
Pharaohs were buried with their hands crossed over their chest because of the belief there would be countless water slides in the after life.
ME: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender lol
DATE: Haha, because you say something & he says it back to
ME: He’s murdered 7 people
I realize climate change may be a problem but it doesn’t have retail employees I can record myself yelling at so what do you want from me
Don’t think I won’t spin around and French kiss you if you’re standing too close to me in line at the liquor store.
We could all chip in, buy Rolling Stone magazine, and take turns being on the cover.