Just how much toothpaste is IN this tube? Let’s squeeze it all out and see!
– Toddlers
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My mama always said: “If you can’t say anything nice, try to mumble it under your breath…”
Telepathy
“Huh?”
Telepathy
“Ok…let’s move on. What—”
Telepathy
“Please stop interrupting! What are your strengths?”
*rolls eyes* Telepathy
Sorry I haven’t returned your text in 3 days, I was taking a nap.
I cleaned the house last month and it’s already dirty again. Life is SO unfair.
My high must be wearing off, because that cop car that pulled me over 20 minutes ago is starting to look like a house with Christmas lights.
[following girl off elevator] you cant hate snakes and then say u love dragons, because theyre actually extremely similar. in a lot of mytho
Freaky Friday 2:
The mom and daughter switch bodies again
The mom doesn’t go back
She keeps stealing children’s bodies
She lives forever
On my tax form I checked the single box but added “and looking”.
I believe the plural is “milves.”
Me: I’m meal planning. Is candy corn allowed on keto?
Keto: Please leave our cult.
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
i havent decided yet
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
i still need a few more mins with the menu you are a really terrible waiter
1st date
She: I enjoy long walks on the beach.
Me: *nod knowingly* Because you want to lose weight.
me: I have a phobia of very large numbers
therapist: I can help u
me: thanks a twelve
Have been woken up with the hangover from hell by the sound of my neighbour’s lawn mower. He’ll just have to mow around me, I’m not moving.
Waiter: How is everything?
Me: This is a salad
Waiter: Yes
Me: I ordered spaghetti
Waiter: Yeah. We are really worried about you, dude
Journalists stuck in 1970’s Belfast absolutely hating it
Mom: why do you drink so much
Me: *stares at mom*
geese are just mad that we refuse to buy insurance from them
ME AT 15: “I want video games to have the best graphics and biggest explosions and deepest stories and coolest characters to show that this is truly the art form of the future pew pew pew”
ME AT 35: “I want video games to have an option to make text bigger.”
My mom found a Barbie Dreamhouse at a garage sale when I was a kid, but all the stickers were ripped off so I drew on appliances and wallpaper. Debbie, down the street, called it Barbie Crackhouse and now she wants to be my friend on Facebook? Ha!
*moon landing*
That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for updog
“What’s updog?”
NOT MUCH JUST WALKING ON THE MOON WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
12yo wants to stay home from school because her foot hurts, like that’s a legit excuse that I didn’t use on my own parents to try to get out of school.
Comic 🥺👉👈💗❤️🔥
After hand washing your cat, put up to dry
Screw hybrid cars! We should all be driving buses! No clue what their fuel consumption is but I know I’ve never seen a bus at a gas station.
Person having heart attack: do you know cpr?
Me: no *pulling out phone* are they on spotify?
I’m sick and tired of people telling me to turn off my lights to save the environment. I tried it once and I hit a cyclist.
I saw death today, in the face of the man at the next table, as I heard his wife say “I don’t know, do you THINK I look fat?”
Deacon: Remember when you said you were open to ideas to get new members?
Pastor: Yes, why do you ask?
Deacon: How do you feel about knives?