FOOTBALL COACH: *drawing up a play using Xs and Os* ..any questions?
ME: are we the hugs or the kisses?
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Haha I chopped a jalapeño without wearing gloves and then rubbed my eye pls kill me.
Hear me out!
A Terms & Conditions, written entirely in emojis.
#GettingOldMeans if I drop a pen on the ground it stays on the ground. Bending down is a young man’s game.
The richest man on Earth quits his job and blasts into space and nothing has ever seemed so suspicious to me.
The hoodie & shorts combo outfit, because you almost understand how body heat works.
My schedule can get pretty packed – that’s why I like to use Google calendar to keep myself organised. For example [scrolls down for45 seconds] December 25th is Christmas Day
Give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day. Give a man who is dangerously allergic to fish a fish and he’ll eat for a lifetime.
They built different out in Florida man. Hitting a Gator with a cast iron skillet is nuts 🤣
[phonecall w criminal]
FBI Agent: keep him on the line for 2 more minutes
me: ok.. *twirling phone cord* no you hang up. haha no you hang up
[child gets stuck in claw machine]
Me: [calls husband] “Hi honey, you’re not going to believe this, but I found us a babysitter for this evening.”
“Drat!” Annie felt the unwelcome creep of human emotion intrude upon her sensible agenda.
Me: Let me taste and see how are those fries…
My kid: *speedily swallowing them* no need, I can tell you they are good.
lifehack: you don’t have to be a cicada to burrow underground and then emerge and start yelling
It’s the eye of the tiger.
It’s the spleen of a sheep.
nothing prepares you for when your sweet sensitive gentle eight year old son calls you “bruh” for the first time
Me: you’re mad at me about what happened earlier aren’t you?
Arresting officer: little bit
i did it God! i finaly got 2 of evry animal
NOAH.THEY HAVE TO BE ALIVE
*noah looks at boat full of dead animals*
do u kno how long this took
{first date}
HIM: Your profile says you like Shakespeare. What’s your favorite?
ME [nervous]: Uh…William?
*first date*
Him: You have a very defined jawline.
Me: Thanks! I chew a lot.
COVID-19, economic collapse, quarantine, shortages…2020 can’t get any worse, you said?
Facebook has announced it’s created rooms for Messenger.
God help us.
[first date]
ME: Do you want children?
HER: Yes!
ME: Me too.
HER: That’s great!
ME: [gestures to next table] How ‘bout those?
HER: What-
ME: *whispers* Where are you parked?
[first date]
him: I’m sorry about the sushi but your bio said “real fish person”
me, a mermaid: can we just go
A face mask and rubber gloves is all you need to wear when you go to mall they said.
I felt a fool.
Everyone else was wearing clothes.
Never had a gay thought in my life but when Daniel Craig jumps onto the back of the train & adjusts his cuff I now kind of get it.
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself.
Become ungovernable.
STOP PUTTING DIARRHOEA MEDICATION ON THE BOTTOM SHELF
I’m the kind of girl that likes to wake up. Hear the birds chirping. And throw my coffee at them.
i need to stop taking melatonin before bed because it is giving me fever dreams. last night i dreamed i made a billboard #1 hit single and the only lyric i can still remember is “smokin on that shit that made gumby pregnant”
Having a toddler is a great way to find out how much milk your tennis shoe will hold