ME: *tells joke*
WIFE: ugh, that was funny in middle school
[later]
ME [at a local middle school]: so have you all heard the one about th
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Friend: hey man what happened to your hand?
Me: just a little boo boo.
Friend: so I see. Is that a paw patrol band-aid?
Me: you know damn well it’s a paw patrol band-aid Steve.
On Average, ovulating women prefer rugged & masculine men.
Menstruating women prefer men duct-taped and on fire.
Instesd of avoiding typos, embrance them. No one will pint them out if you spell everythinj wring.
My dog has been sleeping on the floor right below me so if I get off the couch he knows that I’ve moved. He’s been lying there for 5 hours. We’re both dedicated to our lifestyles
[wakes up screaming]
HER: you’re safe now, what was the dream?
ME: I was on a diet
I saw my shadow today. You won’t see that on the evening news because I’m not a stupid fuzzy animal
[framing store]
SALESPERSON: how can I help you
ME: make it look like my wife did a murder
😂 amazing answer
[Preparing for a heist]
Boss: Whoa! You brought in new guys? They aint gonna squeal are they?
Me *with a gang of doves*: Naw man, they coo
Emperor Nero had a distant cousin named Emperor Faro
COW: I’m constipated
DR DOG: when was ur last bowel moooo-vement lol
C: ur doing puns right now?
DD: gonna milk this for all its worth lmao
I was getting chased by a man yelling “STOP, POLICE!” & I yelled “YES YES STOP POLICE! THEY’RE OUT OF CONTROL!” But he kept chasing me
Older women aren’t afraid to ask for exactly what they want.
Doughnuts. I want doughnuts.
The worst case scenario, or as I like to call it, the thing guaranteed to happen.
I’m not average. I’m mean.
If you ever get buried alive, use the extra time to think about what you did to put yourself in that situation so it doesn’t happen again.
My walk of shame is spending 10 minutes trying to pronounce something at a Mexican restaurant before giving up and ordering tacos.
Pretty much everyone I’ve ever met has told me to stop exaggerating
My prediction: the Euro Cup final will be won by whichever team first figures out that there’s nothing in the rules that says you can’t grab the ball with your hands and run into the goal with it
Ok Brazil, this would be a time when it’s ok to bite an opponent.
My husband just reminded me that we have fish sticks which is awesome because I was worried I didn’t have anything to pack my kids for lunch that they wouldn’t eat
Airport: come like 3 hours early
Ok what gate do I go to
Airport: not telling until last minute 🤫
ME: Hi, come get me. This house is weird and someone is snoring.
MOM: Honey, for the last time you’re not at a sleepover. You’re married.
Barber: “How would you like your hair cut, sir?”
Me: “With scissors.”
Barber: “Very good, sir.”
*puts samurai sword down*
I hate when people ask me “how do you feel your presentation went?”
Excuse me I blacked out & astral projected the entire time, you tell me
Those three magic words,
-You can have my taco.Ps. Shut it, maths police.
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
wdym i don’t know how to flirt like my eyebrow wiggle game is superior.
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
Gen Z = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like and don’t understand
911: What is your emergency?
Me: I love you.911: Hang up.
Me: No you hang up.911: Stop.
Me: This is so us.