TV Show Idea:
Speculation news.
A sort of news programme that uses a small amount of information and stretches it out for hours on end with absolutely no further facts other than speculation based on nothing at all, by self appointed experts in unrelated subjects.
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Date: Want to go back to my place and get naughty?
Me: Nice try, Santa.
I think I could be a pretty good boxer as long as the other guy isn’t allowed to hit me.
I had a bowl of Cap’n Crunch cereal for the first time in a long time last weekend. The roof of my mouth should be healed in a few days.
“You’re saying it’s all an act?
Chewbacca: Indubitably, my good man.
“Rock. Paper. Scissors.” – terrible surgeon
I asked my son to turn down his music and he ‘okayed boomer’ me so now we’re turning off the wi-fi for a bit
Number of times I’ve cooked Mac and cheese: 1000
Number of times I’ve thrown the box and then picked it up from trash to read the instructions: 1024
*opens a bag of popcorn at your intervention*
Pretty sad that if you want to hit people in the knees with a hammer your career options are limited to doctor or enforcer for the mob.
From a shark’s perspective, Jaws is a lot like Home Alone.
flight attendant: is there a doctor onboard?
dad: *nudging me* that could’ve been you
me: not now, dad
dad: not asking for a standup comic to help, are they?
me: dad, there’s a medical emergency happening rn
dad: go and see if “what’s the deal with lamp shades” helps
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you’ll save from not having a social life.
There is so much misplaced anger in this world. And so much of it is aimed at Brussels sprouts. Sad.
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.
I stopped seeing my therapist. All of my appointments were really disrupting my day drinking.
people will refuse to download tiktok because it’s a time suck but then spend four hours a day sending you reels on instagram that you saw on tiktok three months ago
me: [kicking leaves in the park]
wife: how are you getting your leg so high
[Texting]
Him: Hey babe, what’re you wearing?
Me: *naked pooping* ummm…nothing
Him: That’s hot
United Steaks of America
Sorry I unfollowed you on Instagram, but you take at least 10 pics of your face everyday. I don’t even look at my wife that much.
WIFE: Use the newspaper to get that bee down
ME: Ok *grabs newspaper and reads the news out loud*
BEE *depressed* holy shit
Wonder Woman: we need more warriors, have you sent in the reinforcements yet?
Amazon Customer Service: …what
screaming into balloons for an extra surprise when the kids pop them
Never ask a girl “How are you single?”
BECAUSE THEY WILL SHOW YOU
ME: what’s the name of that soft french cheese we liked?
HER: camembert
ME: me either
[traffic stop]
COP: where ya headed?
ME: on my way home
COP: *shining flashlight in my backseat*
ME: look at me when I’m speaking to you
[at the shooting range]
Recruit: Sir, I missed every target.
Officer: Perfect.
*makes him a stormtrooper*
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
wish hard enough & anything can happen, they say.
yet two hours later my stomach growls & my breakfast still isn’t making itself. liars!
“Go to hell” is so abstract. “Get trapped in a porta potty for 67 months.” Now that’s specific. That’s possible. That’s terrifying.