*bursts into a bank*
EVERYBODY GET DOWN ON THE FLOOR. GOOD. NOW PRETEND YOURE A BABY GIRAFFE TRYING TO STAND UP. GOOD. THIS IS AWESOME
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How can a cemetery raise its burial charges and blame it on the cost of living?
*Good Will Hunting*
Professor: are you the janitor who’s been solving the math equations?
me: [writing ‘80085’ on every chalkboard] yes?
A single text to my mom is like pulling that loose thread on a sweater.
ME: wash the peanut butter off this knife
DISHWASHER: imma forge that peanut butter into an unbreakable rock on that knife
ME: please no
My Plans 2020
i like to start most sentences with “as a writer…” because it’s important to me that everyone know i am, at my core, a liar
Imagine being all knowing and still putting a snake in charge of apples
If I’m gonna pay $300 for a name brand purse it better come with a mini fridge, steaks, and a new tv
Carrot cake is both my favorite carrot and my least favorite cake.
My boss used to call me “the computer”. Nothing to do with intelligence. I go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes.
IDEA: an app that tells you where that bruise came from.
Ned Stark is just a gay Boromir.
Sin?
I thought you said gin.
*shrug*
Either way, make mine a double.
We just joined a gym and they asked me to pick a 4 digit member number and I opened my mouth and my husband said, “I stg if you use your bank pin.”
I was, in fact, going to use my bank pin💀
Forgot to mute myself on a Zoom call while my kids were home and my boss gave me three extra weeks of vacation.
girls please stop wearing Harley Davidson shirts if you don’t listen to his music
“I finally caught up with my son.”
“That’s good. Progress. How did it go?”
“Badly. I cut off his hand THEN told him.”– Vader & therapist
Designer: How big should the gap between the car’s front seat and center console be?
Boss: Big enough for your phone to fall through.
Designer: And also big enough for your hand to retrieve it?
Boss: haha oh goodness no
Him: do you know an easy way to draw three flying birds?
Me: mmm
Him: thanks
A welcome mat is a gateway rug.
Why even name your cat, it’s not going to listen to you.
WAP on, WAP off
-Cardi Biyagi
If you’re an adorable old person in a romcom, you’ve got a massive target on your back
[first day of work as a 911 operator]
“Hello, 911”
Hi someone’s trying to break into my house
“holy shit call 911”
The cure to missing someone is just remembering what an asshole they really were.
Saw your ex at the shops
Me: what’s your job
Them: I’m a bank teller
Me: *nervously* what do you tell it
Aragorn: You have my sword
Legolas: And my bow
Gimli: And my axe
Van Gogh: Just hear me out
[911 call]
“My hand’s stuck in a blender!”
“Turn it on then.”
“What?”
” I can’t hear it, turn it on so I know you’re not lying.”
Food was bad, cabins were dirty, everyone but me was gruesomely killed. Liked the paddle boats. 1/2 star. -Yelp review of Camp Crystal Lake