Sia’s full name is: “Sia…Wouldntwannabia.”
You Might Also Like
need to find a better way to trick my dog into taking his medication bc the last 2 times he tricked me into taking it
I’m at my most daredevil when I sneak in the break room & steal all the good chocolate filled donuts..
Me: sorry I’m late, my toddler made me find his blue socks.
Friend without kids: I don’t believe a 3yo can MAKE you do anything.
Me: 😶
My wife told me not to say anything about her friend’s lazy eye so I made sure to give numerous compliments on her super-athletic one.
I want to run away and live in a forest but like with my phone.
I can’t believe someone had the audacity to tell ME *gestures wildly at self* that I’m dramatic
Nephew: Hey, Uncle Jesus, can you buy me and my friends some beer?
Jesus: No, but I can get you wine. Let’s go over to the water cooler, shall we.
To tell you the truth, beginning a sentence with “To tell you the truth” throws into question all else you’ve previous said.
Therapist: were you bullied in school?
Me: no
Therapist: oh, did you have a different haircut in school?
When he asks for feet pics
These aliens are smart. They only appear to people who don’t know how to operate a camera.
8: mom do you have ANY idea how rare circles are in minecraft?
me: no but i have a bad feeling you’re about to spend a really long time telling me
WIFE: I just read that men are five times more likely to be struck by lightning than women.
ME *on the roof in my He-Man costume with my sword* BY THE POWER OF GRAYSKULL WHAT HONEY?
My debit card number got stolen and someone used it to buy $362 of liquor, which got approved, but the purchase they tried to make for designer clothes was denied and I’m offended. Sure I buy my clothes at Costco but that doesn’t mean I never will buy designer clothes!
Noah: A boat?
God: Yes.
Noah: Two of every animal?
God: Yes.
Noah: I have a better idea.
God: What.
Noah: Maybe don’t kill everyone.
Enter a cafe. Ask to see the menu. Say, Have you got anything a mouse would like? When they say No, whisper into your sleeve & leave.
[spelling bee]
moderator: your word is abandon
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: everyone you love will abandon you
me: omg
moderator: lol no not even close
Welcome to parenthood, WHY ARE THE SCISSORS NOT IN THE GODDAMN DRAWER??
I asked my son to turn down his music and he ‘okayed boomer’ me so now we’re turning off the wi-fi for a bit
My son asked my 7yo how she would survive a bear attack and she replied she would try to be his friend, thus making her the most adorable of my children but also the least likely to survive an encounter with an actual bear.
We have an enclosed back yard with only a narrow opening near the driveway and a duck was going back and forth at the back looking at the fences like he didn’t know how to get out so I shouted down “Dude, you can FLY!”
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
A couple who are silly together stay together.
On your first day in jail, when they ask you what you’re in there for, say “the food” so all the other prisoners know you’re a loose cannon.
“I need a woman like you in my life”
Aww thanks, I hope you find her lol
@funTweeters I am at your service….
I was makin out with a cute girl but it got ruined when she ran her hand up my leg and squeezed all the spaghetti out of my pocket
shout “out” to people who stick around too long at your house
Netflix: “Are you still watching? Do you have any hobbies?”
[Starts jogging]
Body: No.