If Violets were Orange, poetry would be a lot more challenging.
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THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he objectifies women
ME: [trying to stuff bread into her armpit] toaster
My kid hissed at me when I woke him up for school today
Wait, 12 years a slave isn’t about marriage?
Tuba = Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus
me (under my breath): don’t let her know how awkward you are
date: what are you having
me: an ok time
Her: You enjoy silently judging everyone, don’t you.
Me: Silently? No.
Bottles of beer on the wall, red balloons, and Jay Z’s problems wish former President Jimmy Carter a happy birthday.
*brings elephant to knife fight
*nobody talks about it
I woke up to someone snow blowing their driveway at 6 AM. I taught him a lesson by locking him outside.
You can take the girl out of the food court, but not this girl. I’m staying.
JUDGE: so u plan to plead insanity?
ME: let me double-check with my counsel
*A googly-eyed sock puppet whispers in my ear*
ME: yes ur honor
[reverse psychology résumé]
Education: Arcane
Experience: You can’t afford me
Special Skills: (redacted)
I show dominance by calling out her name from outside her window while she’s having sex.
My friend can be so pedantic. I know that saying “Frankenstein” isn’t technically correct, but I can’t remember your baby’s real name.
the bad guy in hallmark movies is a boyfriend who is like “uh no babe i cant drop everything + leave work this weekend im about to close a deal for ten million dollars that will set us up for life” and the good guy is a guy who is just standing there when she gets to her hometown
MURDERER: [looking for me] You better of hidden well or you’re dead
ME: [under bed, tears in my eyes] It’s better HAVE
how does a Matrix movie work in 2021? I’m supposed to be scared of living in a fake reality, trapped forever in 1999? Shit frost my tips and log me in
Me: Should I measure this in miles or kilometers?
Scientist: It doesn’t matter right now just pick something.
Me: What do you mean just pick something??
Scientist: Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Settle down, guy who brought a hammock to a public park. You’re working awfully hard to show us how relaxed you are.
the only difference between a hoarder and a collector is the smell
Growing up was certainly the stupidest idea I had as a child.
I’m sorry if I looked interested. You probably caught me fantasizing about bacon.
The real reason Darth Vader cut off Luke’s hand was because he touched the thermostat
Oh really?! Because I see nothing in the gym membership rules that says I CAN’T just lie on the floor and watch tv all day!!
[interview]
Boss: Your CV says eggs, milk, bread
Me: That’s right
[cut to supermarket]
Wife: Excuse me, where are the attention to details?
These birds at my feeder. None of them have a plan.
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except bears, bears will kill you.
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
Break up by making swimming motion arms every time they want to hold hands.
If your husband tells you you’re being too dramatic don’t forget to bow when you thank him.