If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, it was meant to be…or Stockholm Syndrome. Most likely Stockholm Syndrome.
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Body by cheese-puffs.
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
My pants embarrassed me in front of a chick again. How many times must I tell them that it’s rude to point???
we’re insta mutuals now 😌😌😌
ME: [just killing it giving my best man speech]
WIDOW: Couldn’t you have written something new?
These kids act like they’ve never gotten a half-pealed hard boiled egg for Halloween before.
Me: What are you excited to see at the aquarium?
2: Giraffes!
Me: There’s only water animals there
2: Cows!
I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.
He asked me to do something freaky in the bedroom so I stayed awake for two days
Dear lady arguing w/ the clerk over whether or not it is “good” champagne: YOU ARE IN A GAS STATION!
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
Hiding an engagement ring in a hot dog is harder than you think
i hated what my teen was wearing today so i told him i loved it and it looked “dripping bruh”. he changed. follow me for more parenting advice
It’s weird that on this date in Back to the Future they didn’t show people incessantly posting about Back to the Future.
[wearing World’s Best Dad shirt]
Wife: whys there blood on your shirt?
Me: its not my blood
Guy bleeding out in the yard: its not your shirt
The woman on the train next to me is having an argument with her boyfriend on loudspeaker about whether they need to buy a fridge for their new flat. She is Team Fridge, he insists he can “keep his ham in the garden”. Looks like I’m missing my stop today.
Costco ….
Because you never know when your
aquarium could explode ….and you really need those 96 rolls
of paper towels.
When I’m president, we are going to have WAY more velociraptors.
it’s bullshit that someone made a bowl out of wet dirt 30,000 years ago and now i have to load a dishwasher
It’s only fair that if the TSA should ban over 3oz of liquid carried on a person, they should also ban a person wearing over 3oz of cologne.
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
Executioner: Before we do this, what would you like for your last meal?
“I’ll have a panda please”
[judge, under his breath] Can he do that?
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Off duty cop: No
*cop gets so close their mustaches interlock like velcro*
You’re driving great, pal
I hate getting cut off because I’ve “had enough.” Who are they to say how much butter I need on my movie theater popcorn?
yeah we love eachother, but you know what would really add some spice to this relationship…. the government
My mind’s telling me “No!” But my body, my body’s telling me “There’s that chicken salad in the fridge.”
🎶 I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly
What the hell, Everyman Cinemas? I booked the last available seat for Tetris The Movie and the whole row disappeared.
“Honey, have you seen the cat?”
– Mrs. Schrödinger
My friends are like “hey come camping with us this weekend” & I’m like “I can’t, I have to get new friends”