Me: I’m so emotional today
8 ice cream sandwiches: We can help!
You Might Also Like
I’m drinking espresso until I find how many it takes to vibrate my molecules fast enough that I can pass through walls. So far it’s not seventeen and I’m running out of Band-Aids
A mongoose is just a goose who listens to reggae
[picking out a washing machine]
how many watermelons can this hold?
“uhh I dunno, 11?”
only 11?
*keeps walking to next one*
how many waterme
[guy glaring at me because he wants my parking spot]
*adds 72,000 hours to the meter*
[The Beatles writing Here Comes The Sun]
Paul: so what should come after here comes the sun?
[Ringo screams from bathroom]: Doo Doo, Doo Doo
him: does this pillow feel lumpy
me: [sneaking a handful of shredded cheese out of the pillowcase] seems fine to me
trying not to judge stupid people too harshly anymore because it turns out i’m people and oh man am i stupid.
How about a game where Mario gets a job and gets his coins like the rest of us.
If I ever ask you to hold a baby, you better ask whose baby I have because I’m clearly high and stole a baby.
Parenting is a minefield. Just because they loved Hotel Transylvania doesn’t mean they’ll love The Shining. Lesson learned.
[walking her home after the first date]
She: I love long walks
[Trying to impress her]
I have to walk everywhere cause I can’t afford a car.
Seriously In 20 years time and you’re at a pub quiz and a question starts with
“in what year”
Just answer 2016
Crocodile: “See ya later alligator.”
Alligator: “yeah, I don’t do that anymore Jeff.”
me: [holding knife] ok i’m not gonna cry this time
onion: hey remember the end of that movie about the dog
Could sum up all Indiana Jones movies with ‘finding old stuff violently.’
why are they building a Whole Foods over here? we’re regular people, we need Quarter Foods
Death. Resurrection. Saviour. I believe in Robocop.
Dammit, I forgot which one I left my key under.
[pet store]
Um hi can I have 4 turtles & 1 rat
Clerk: hah trying to make ur own ninja turtles dude
Me:*hiding miniature sai and katana* n no
Nobody learns to parkour faster than a parent chasing a toddler with a sharpie
Me: If we weren’t related, I’d totally sleep with you. Hot girl: But we aren’t related. Me: Oh good, so you feel the same way too
As an exorcist, whenever I hear of some new poor soul possessed by a demon, all I can think is Ka-Ching!
“Up for anything unless my gout flares up.”
– from my dating profile
[Wakes up to a mysterious noise]
Lover, is that you?*Refrigerator hums loudly*
Please, keep trying unsuccessfully to suck the snot back up in your nose instead of using a tissue. Everyone loves the noise you’re making.
After twenty years, I finally paid off my loan. Please be happy for me.
Friend angrily rolling eyes: I only lent you twenty dollars
Them: awwww just let those dishes go, mama! They’ll get done eventually! Spend every second with your babies, it’s so fleeting 🥰
Me, industriously taking notes: Sounds great. What time should I expect the Dish Fairy to arrive
Back in my day, it was a game of dodge ball where you found out who didn’t like you.
What has three thumbs and just won the lottery?
THIS GUY!
* having won the lottery, I was able to add that third thumb I’ve always wanted
very few whales can do a kickflip but also very few skateboarders could eat 40 million krill in one day, everyone has their strengths and weaknesses