You didn’t want to camp out with me to buy the new ABBA album. If you change your mind, I’m the first in line.
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Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 6
NO SCREENS FOR THE WHOLE WEEKEND just fell out of my mouth and if divorce were a facial expression my husband just asked me for one
Wife: Rock the baby.
Me: *plugs in amp*
This is the only cartoon analysis critic I will watch
Luke: You could hide anywhere in the galaxy and you picked a swamp?
Yoda: Afford anything nicer, I couldn’t. Shitty credit, I have.
*knock knock*
“Sir, this is the police, open the door immediately”
“But I’m having a poo”
“We know sir, the phone box has glass sides”
When I was a kid there was this mattress commercial where a lady jumps up and down on the mattress next to a glass of wine, to show that it wouldn’t spill. So I tested it on my bed with orange juice, and then my bed low-key smelled like citrus for 10 years. Carry on.
reverse psychology? that’ll never work
I’m drinking espresso until I find how many it takes to vibrate my molecules fast enough that I can pass through walls. So far it’s not seventeen and I’m running out of Band-Aids
Dear Milk of Magnesia manufacturers:
Please add : ‘Don’t trust a fart’ to your side effects label.
kthanksbye
Be nice to a nerd. Prevent a supervillain.
[dj voice] “Make some noise, Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“Whatcha wanna hear, I’m taking requests”
[in unison] HI TAKING REQUESTS I’M DAD
I’m not real sure if my neighbors are having sex or playing ping-pong in flip-flops and shouting in Russian
You can tell a lot about a person just by noticing how they continue to talk after you’ve sighed six or seven times.
My neighbor totally has heads in his freezer.
– My neighbor
Imagine the headless horsemen only its me running into everything waving my arms while trying to get my head through my sweater before bed.
Attention fat vegans:
Explain.
teacher: how long ago did the dinosaurs go extinct?
me: *extreme staind voice* it’s been awhile–
Ladies, if Men had PMS they’d get into fist fights, defraud partners, start wars, abuse women, stop paying child support..HEY-wait a minute!
Customer spelling her name:
Me: Is that V as in Victor or Z as in Zebra?
Her: Z as in Xylophone.And this, kids, is why education is key.
i show up for work with my head stuck in a turtle neck sweater with eye holes cut in it
My husband ordered a hearing aid off of Amazon. I’m so screwed you guys.
[runs thru the funeral chasing a bagpipe player]
“Stop hurting that octopus!”
*lands on other planet*
“Take me to your pain medication”
Pro tip: being patient will get you out of raking leaves. One of these days will be windy and they will blow into your neighbors yard.
Robin: “Clowns to the left of me, Joker’s to the right. Here I am, stuck in the middle with you.”
Batman: “Shut up.”
My nephew said the cherries in my refrigerator had gone bad. They’re moonshine cherries, so yeah, they aren’t exactly choir boys.
Therapist: ‘Strange. Weird. Odd.’
Me: ‘Am I paying for this?’
1997: I Know What You Did Last Summer
1998: I Still Know What You Did Last Summer
2006: I’ll Always Know What You Did Last Summer
2020: Say, Remember That Thing You Did 23 Summers Ago? No? Me Neither. In Fairness, it Was a While Ago. Never Mind. As You Were. Bye.