Lawns are weird. Let’s grow 7000 of the same thing and nothing else.
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I ordered a toilet seat from Amazon and now based on the ads I see they must think I have an insatiable toilet seat addiction
My daughter has a pink camo shirt in case she needs to infiltrate barbie’s dream house I guess
Once a 7-year-old said he’d come at me “with the fury of 1,000 angry geese” during a game of tag & I never felt more threatened in my life
Why would anyone get an ancestry DNA test for themselves? Such a waste of money.
*buys multiple Wisdom Panel DNA tests to see what breeds my dogs are.
Stop fingering it and put it in your mouth is not the best choice of words when speaking to your teenager about her dinner..
I know this now
the highest compliment is someone asking for ur soup recipe and the highest ego swell is telling them there isn’t one
‘THINGS WE DIDN’T DO:
•Start the fire
•Shoot the deputyTHINGS WE DID DO:
•Built this city
•Shot the sheriffTHINGS WE WANT TO DO:
•Break free
•Hold your handTHINGS WE WILL DO:
•Rock you
•Survive
•Anything for loveTHINGS WE WON’T DO:
•That’
Whenever someone mentions rat poison part of me imagines a tiny rodent cover band playing 80s power ballads.
The robotic urge to ask humans to prove they’re not robots.
CREATION OF THE WORLD DAY 1
ANGEL: I’m looking forward to watching this project evolve.
*awkward silence
GOD: We NEVER use that word here
New COVID variant tries to sell you an extended auto warranty.
Pro Tip: You can slap anybody, as hard as you want, as long as you yell “spider” first. They may even thank you.
Two crows fall in love, move in together, start a family.
The perfect murder.
LITTLE MERMAID 2016:
SEA WITCH URSULA: Your voice is mine mwaahahaha!!!
ARIEL: *flicks eyes up; keeps texting*
Flame has not adjusted back to house life yet. She stole a cinnamon roll from the kitchen and ate it.
Mistletoe is my favorite Christmas tradition that sounds like a cool as shit superpower.
I hope I never meet a genie offering one wish as picking between unlimited doughnuts or going to Sesame Street is gonna be impossible
oh sorry I meant to say I was in *an* arcade fire
*Buys sugar-free cereal.
**Puts sugar on it.
My tinder profile says I love dogs but then on dates I elaborate that it is hot dogs and corn dogs
stay together for the future spouses of your kids, having two sets of in-laws is sadistic stuff
One time my dad caught me smoking an e-cig so he took me out to the shed and made me smoke an entire VCR.
Probably should schedule my next dentist appt for this week since I ate some street corn last night and this may be the only time I floss this year.
[Dr’s office]
“I have Carrie like reflexes”
Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
*Dr hits my knee with reflex hammer and I set him on fire*
No
“I set all the cattle free.”
– Reverse Cowgirl
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’ll have a martini, dry
Me, staring at all the liquid ingredients: I don’t know how to tell you this
Spent most of my day helping customers find things at Home Depot…I don’t even work there.
Keep your friends close and your enemies buried beneath your floorboards
If you like to fall asleep in bed but wake up on the floor, owning satin sheets might be for you.
I hated Sex Ed at school. Or ‘Sexy Edward’, to give him his full name.