[knock on door]
Who is it?
“Jeff”
Jeff from work or Jeff who lies about his identity?
“Jeff from work”
[opens door]
“Sucker”
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If it walks like a duck and it looks like a duck, the chances are she’s practising for her next selfie
There are no sleep rules anymore. If you’re sleepy, you just sleep. It doesn’t matter if it’s an appropriate nap time or not. It doesn’t matter if you sleep 2 or 6 hours. Literally no one is policing this.
Me: *looking in my closet* I have nothing to wear
Murderer: *cramped inside* agree to disagree
FRIEND: it’s a strange time to be alive
ME: *looks at watch*
ah yes, 6:30
Just saw a snake slither through my backyard, so if anyone wants a house in Houston, it’s yours.
Puts myself out there
Puts myself back bc wtfff
#ImFeelingGoodAbout myself
[spitting] these berries don’t taste like a goose AT ALL
The host of the UK Apprentice sounds like the villain a toothpaste company’s marketing department came up with
If a tree falls on your ex on the woods and no one hears it you should still get rid of the chainsaw.
..Just in case!
Sloth isn’t such a bad sin. It keeps me from committing the other six.
HEADS UP: if I can’t get around you on the sidewalk, I join your family
It feels so good on a cold morning, a hoodie fresh from the dryer…
*tops off beautiful woman’s wine glass* But what if you could, Sharon, what if you could control the cat with a Nintendo Power Glove?
I love gay people. Or as I sometimes call them, “people.”
Apparently I’m a bad mother for having a lip piercing. Actually sir, that is a zit. Thank you for pointing it out.
Jurassic Park came out 30 years ago, and now I feel like the fossil.
FRIEND: Just let her down easy
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: *jumping in bouncy castle* I WANT A DIVORCE, KAREN
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
What’s the past tense of “wake & bake”?
“Woke and boke”?
“Awake and baked”?
“Awakened and baconed”?Whatever it is, I’m that
We’re all born naked and the rest is crab. #DragRace
Behind every child flushing the toilet is a parent yelling “WASH YOUR HANDS.”
Me: I’m a little tea pot short and stout here is my handle here is my—
Wife: *jumping outta bed* it’s too weird
My dog tried to put one paw on the floor instead of the scale when she was being weighed and I was like, “I got you girl”
Dog Lawyer: Permission to treat the witness as hostile?
Judge: Granted
Dog Lawyer: *bares teeth*
Roomba: *revving suction noises*
“23 and Me” is how Leonardo DiCaprio RSVPs for events.
A self driving car would be really handy for the daily nap I take on my drive home.
I like my coffee like I like my men
Sliding off the roof of my car as I drive away
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
are they though??