Way back when, I thought technology would look more like flying cars and less like me yelling “The laptop’s not a touch screen,” at my kids.
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I put cucumbers, lemons, lime, and mint leaves in my water today thinking I was fancy…my one student gonna yell out and say “Ms. Luck got a salad in her water”
*students erupt in laughter*
I mean, who hasn’t faked being goth for an entire year just to get out of being a bridesmaid in their sister’s wedding?
I want to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by a rainforest.
I’m like the lemon seed that sinks to the bottom of your water glass and then shoots up your straw unexpectedly, trying to choke you.
I think it’s time I find myself a new inspiration, asking myself “what would Batman do?” gets me in too much trouble
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food the kids dropped*
ant: oh wait
A large account followed me to thank me for a trophy through DM, then immediately unfollowed me. It must be exhausting to be Twitter elite.
I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.
Nobody:
Me: “What if dinosaurs really just had that Kardashian vocal fry?”
Prince: Rapunzel, let down your hair.
Rapunzel: Hair, you’ll never be beautiful, you’ll always have split ends.
*hair is super let down*
Ah to be a little slug on a day like today. The rain is out. No cares in the world. Time for slime.
Always a bridesmaid never a vengeful ghost in a glowing fog.
Friends with my exes? I’m barely friends with my friends.
I’m not going to bail you out is what my wife says every time I’m going to do something fun.
God must really be loving Stupid people.. He created so many!!
I’m over here watching #Dateline alone, with all the doors unlocked, lighting up the room.
[takes e-cig from guy beside me & takes a hit] dude, your e-cig is broken
GUY BESIDE ME: give me back my clarinet
Don’t ask me for directions
I got lost on an elevator once.
Metallica’s “Nothing Else Matters” is my favorite song about that 5 minutes of sleep before the alarm goes off.
If you had a terrible childhood, you’ll be super-bummed out by Bank of America’s options for security questions.
[phone rings]
“You’re gonna die in 7 days”[me, pantless in dark kitchen, lips to phone]
Can u make it 5
Never trust a man wearing more than 0 necklaces
My Christmas letter this year includes a bonus DVD of my colonoscopy.
The racist dove
Married a racist hen
And together they started
A coo clucks clan
This staff meeting could have been a haiku.
Drug commercial…Don’t take this medication if you are allergic to this medication.
Oh, ok. That’s super helpful, thank you.
I appreciate and am so thankful for all law enforcement officers
…until I’m driving.
Friend: You thinking what I’m thinking?
Me: It’s bullshit there weren’t schools from other continents in the Triwizard Tournament?
F: ….
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born
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