Hubby got all smug when our son asked him for girl advice so I confirmed that if he wants to bag a girl like me then daddy’s the man for the job and shut that shit down
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I’m hiring a motivational speaker for my lazy eye.
Never underestimate mothers. They can turn “mayhem” into “ma’am” with one narrowed glance.
No, Grandma. Still not married; but the lady in the Popeye’s Chicken commercials keeps calling me “Honey” so we’ll see where that goes.
this is the police, we have u surrounded come out with your hands on ur head, then ur shoulders, okay good now knees and toes knees and toes
Searched Walmart app for frozen calamari. They said “No can do. Could we offer you some…”
Him: The smell of marinara reminds me of my grandma
Me: That’s cause your nose is connected to the limbic system of your brain where emotions are processed! Your olfactory nerve gettin all up in your amygdala and jumpin on good memories
Waiter: Ma’am please return to your table
Bruce Willis: I hate when people talk during movies, I never do it
Director: Yes but we’re filming the movie now, do you see the difference
Sorry I got discombobulated.
I’m rebobulated now.
I’m reexamining my life after buying 63 pounds of unsalted butter because it seems a little weird even by my standards
So I asked my husband to buy 6 potatoes.
Have you ever noticed that Santa brings better gifts to the kids that have rich parents?
I’m a female historian who specializes in war atrocities, check out my blog “The War Atrocity Babe”
Guys, I need help with a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
All I’m saying is no one ever country westerns you like a hurricane.
Inside you there are two Durans. Both are hungry like the wolf.
THERAPIST: What do u wish for?
WIFE [smiles at me] That we regain the passion & intimacy of our early years together
ME: A penguin butler
[concert]
Security Guard: Ma’am, do you have alcohol in your bag?
Me: I don’t think so. Here, hold this flask while I check.
MOVIE EXEC: So your idea for a superhero is a guy called ‘Candleman’ and his catchphrase is ‘There’s no rest for the wick head’?
ME: Yep!
HIM: Get out
My dog plays tug of war in a ‘keep it, you want it more than me’ fashion.
Every time I see a couple riding a tandem bike, I try to figure out which one of them is pissed about it.
Please don’t interrupt me and my frozen daiquiri while we are outside having an important drunk conversation with the roll of toilet paper that we met in the bathroom.
Thank you
9y/o~poking finger on my face.
Me(yelling)~dont touch me with your finger
Later~glad he got loophole now what to do with a foot on my face
It’s a shock to me that people actually pay their student loans. That’s a bill I gave to Jesus
Sometimes I order Domino’s but give them Pizza Hut’s address. And when they show up and start fighting, just wait with my mouth open.
(to my date after each preview at a movie) the actual film will be much longer than that
My half-brothers had a Hungarian dad and an Eskimo dad. My dad was from Wales. Our dinner table was like the U.N…only with slapping.
I still have a landline…
or as I call it a
Cell Phone Finder
[blind date]
HER: I’m a Nihilist
ME {trying to impress her}: Egypt is a beautiful country
When I reached the border patrol checkpoint, I raised my kale smoothie & the officer immediately waved me through.
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.