My resolution this year was to learn Spanish, and that only lasted about dos weekos.
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*Goes to work*
*Punches clock*
*Gets fired for breaking clock*
It’s like nobody in this McDonalds has seen a guy spreading marmalade on a Big Mac before.
A great way to end small talk is by saying “you’re not real, you’re not real.”
My 6 year old told me to look in his room because someone stole his toys. When I looked, his room was the tidiest it has ever been with all toys put away. He then laughed and said “April fools! I pranked you!”
I got tested this morning for Covid-19. Ouch. Those nasal swabs go deep. Jeez, buy a gal dinner first.
I wish people would move over a bit in their selfies. We’re redecorating a bathroom and looking for ideas.
Have kids so you can find a banana peel in your washing machine AFTER you washed your clothes.
Me: *stopping* Siri, reroute to kitchen, there’s a traffic jam.
Siri: Step over the dog.
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
I hugged my youngest son today and asked him “how’s my favorite son?” and from the next room the oldest son shouted “I heard that!”
Getting dressed,
Makeup is looking good,
Awesome hair day,
Feeling great about myself!Put on my glasses….
Damn it!
My dad says “sometimes I say shit just so she’ll give me the silent treatment!” True love! 🙂
Me: Will you marry me?
Her: No
Backing singers: She said no! she said no!
Me: Not now
I’ve been listening to Pink Floyd for the past 2 hours. I’m about to just go ahead and skip to track 2.
“What have you always wanted to try in bed?”
Getting a good nights sleep
Why isn’t everyone terrified that Mars is the only planet completely populated by robots?
Don’t open your heart to me. I’ll just put peanut butter in there.
I have this recurring nightmare where I’m vegan and religiously doing crossfit, but I’m stuck on a deserted island and there is no one to tell.
You couldn’t make The Godfather today. It’s almost midnight, and making films takes ages.
me: what do we say if a stranger tries to give us candy?
5:
me:
5: we say thank you
Remodel Shows: “Transform your fire escape into the perfect home office.”
Stop putting jumpsuits in with the dresses! I don’t want to take off all my clothes to pee!!!
Me, to everyone: Why can’t I fall asleep
Everyone: Lack of exercise and too much caffeine
Me, to internet: Why can’t I fall asleep
Internet: European dragon flu
Me: Oh nooooo
Then they came for the bins, and I did not speak out, because I was not a bin man, and they were, and that was their job.
6, holding a pic of me pregnant with him, “Why are you SO FAT?”
Me, “You’re inside my tummy.”
6, “That’s DISGUSTING.”
Me, “It gets worse..”
I had to memorize a random 18 digit password before she’d let me in. Guess who stole your Soap Opera Digest out of the mailbox, Mom?
Every day I go to work and draw a little tick on everyone who didn’t say goodbye to me the day before.
If you find a perfectly usable item discarded outside someone’s house, it’s best to assume it is haunted and leave it well alone:
– a nice chair? No, an evil chair
– a child’s bike? No, a possessed child’s bike
– a half-eaten burrito? Eat the burrito
Do you sell bloodpants?
“Nope”
Shitpants?
“Nope”
Droolpants?
“Nope”
Sweatpants?
“Right this way…”
Watch out, fellow motorists! I’ve got fast-food in my hand and I’m not afraid to give it my full attention.