Neat, your girlfriend is made out of the same stuff as your air guitar!
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Me (feeling good in my new work outfit)
6yo student: My grandma has that dress.
[pet shop]
ME: I’m looking for a dog that can talk
OWNER: Try this one
ME: [to dog] Can you talk?
DOG: No
ME: My search continues
Drink like a fish and you’ll never feel like a fish out of water socially. You might look like one but you’ll never feel like one…
yeah 😭
Woman 1: you sure the left half is fine?
Woman 2: I honestly have no preference, really
Woman 1: cool ♥️ I’ll take the right, please
King Solomon: *sweating*
Couples have an amount they can spend up to without discussing with each other. Mine is around $50. My wife’s is around $643.27. Apparently
I know it’s fiction but the logic in The Walking Dead is so skewed it is impossible to suspend disbelief.
An Asian guy named Glenn?
Please
Little known fact from Marley and Me, they used 8 different Owen Wilsons during production, so he would look the same age.
ME: do dogs think we have three mouths because we pick stuff up with our hands?
VET: where exactly is your dog
ME: he’s uh coming later
eating my hot dog hamburger style
God: thou shall not covet thy neighbor’s wife
Joseph:
God: starrrrrting now
Me: [Advancing my knight] How much to build a hotel on this square?
Grim Reaper: First, as I explained, that’s not how the horse moves.
COP: Describe the robber to our sketch artist
ME: He had one eye higher than the other and his lips on his forehead
PICASSO: I got this
There should be an Olympic event that requires participants to remove a single cube from an ice cube tray.
Teacher: Did your mom sign your permission slip?
Kid: Yep
Teacher: This says you have permission to be the teacher
Kid Teacher: please raise your hand before speaking
There can be a guy with neck tattoos and a knife in his hand on the bus and I will still be the last person anyone sits next to.
“I got kicked out of a golf tournament for heckling a player with a funny name.”
“Boo Weekley?”
“No. I yelled. Loudly.”
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
Even if you are fully vaccinated, you should not lick the escalator rails…
Me : I will never work for my boss again…
She : Why ? What did he said to you??
Me : ‘You are Fired’
Gaslighting myself with the lid of this Pringles tube like I’m actually capable of some restraint.
If you thought you had a rough night, my toddler couldn’t wear an oven mitt to bed.
I’ve been nominated Vice President of the PTA.
It’s only a matter of time before my political sex scandal.
What are these silent battles people keep talking about? None of my battles were quiet. I literally screamed the entire time because that’s half the fun.
In 1000 years, archaeologists will find tanning beds and think we fried people as punishments.
Hate it when people tell me “don’t be stupid”. It’s not like I have a choice in the matter.
Seriously joggers?! You’re gonna run and carry on a conversation at the same time?
And I’m all outta breath just finishing this McMuffin!!!
*cuts off ear* It’s Gogh time.
My neighbour keeps making cutting remarks like “you really need a better lawnmower”