I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
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*my cat meowing at my bedroom door for me to open it*
Meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow
ME: *opens door*
You wanna come in?CAT: lol, no
prince of whales, doo doo doo doo doo doo
I saw a tweet that said they wanted their first child to be a mail and all I did was respond, ‘Keep us posted’ and got blocked
So glad I was weird af in high school cuz now ain’t no one hittin me up to join their pyramid scheme 😌😌
I don’t want to brag about how cultured I am, but I’ve visited the outside of many historical buildings that charge an entrance fee
The house is clean, just don’t open any drawers or doors.
Always the kidnapper, never the kidnapped
Buying new glasses this week, so a whole bunch of you are about to get a whole lot uglier.
Too bad you can’t get abs from laughing at your own jokes because I would be shredded.
Uber, but for someone coming to your house and opening jars when you’re mad at your spouse.
Doc Brown: We have to be extra careful not to alter the past or the future!
Also Doc Brown: lmao flying train
Shrek + Akira = Shakira???
Pi Day is just a fake holiday created by math companies to sell more math.
I wish I knew how to spell the crinkle sound a chip bag makes because that would be my future dog’s name.
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
A Vampire Bat is easy to spot due to its funny accent and little silk cape
me: I just don’t know what you see in me
X-ray tech: twelve ice cream sandwiches. Still in their foil wrappers
*painting your nails* one hand : perfect. other hand : looks like a blind cat did it.
Me: On today’s episode of Inside the Actor’s Studio….apartment….
Ryan Reynolds: How did you get in here?
I keep hearing “Just be yourself” from everyone. I didn’t realize so many people want me to go to prison 🙁
Why do they make it so hard to dig the candy out of trail mix?
Cigarettes only give you cancer if you let them. It’s called science. Maybe you’d know more about it if you read as many Yahoo Answers as me
Quarantine has given me some free time so I made an exit survey for people who left me on read on dating sites
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
*pours a shaker of salt into the ocean*
You’re free now
happy mother’s day here is the result of my mom voice texting while talking to her dog
Can’t speak for all women but generally I’ll just keep nagging until you agree with me, sometimes even after that. You know, for sport.
“I get knocked down, but I get up again
You’re never gonna keep me down”~Bowling pins
According to my scales, there could be four wolves inside of me.