Why isn’t there an egg flavored Gatorade you cowards?
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[carrot slice falls on the floor]
Ah well I guess it’s in the trash with you[potato chip falls on the floor]
YOU THOUGHT YOU COULD ESCAPE.
The key to a successful marriage is a sense of humor. For example, I make a joke about my husband and he laughs, and he makes a joke about me and I get the bed all to myself.
your stripper name is the first two words you see in a newspaper headline while on the phone with your wife pretending to be an old British woman so you can be her nanny and spend more time with your kids
oh so you rich guys throw the water out after you boil hotdogs. too good for hotdog soup. too good to dab the soup on your wrists like colog
I feel closer to people when I am cleaning because dust is composed mostly of human skin.
Flex on the Average Person by eating 9 Spiders a Year
Remember when getting a babysitter for the night meant ordering a pizza and 20 bucks and not 25 an hour and not asking about their ankle monitor
Dating – Do you want to share my cheesecake?
Married- Touch my cheesecake and I’ll end you.
A story that ends with a corpse on the floor is a tragedy. A story that begins with a corpse on the floor is a mystery. A story that begins with a floor on a corpse is The Wizard of Oz.
Me: *Yanks off tear away pants*
Guy at next urinal: holy shit
Ever get home, look at your hair in a mirror, and wonder how many small children you terrified while you were out
FRODO: what is it?
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: *smiles* come on Sam
[literally one step later]
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: wait no
My first job in retail taught me that the customer is always right. Until they’re out of earshot.
No matter how bad a day I’m having at work at least there’s no point during which I have to run 1 mile for a grade right after eating then change back into my clothes and resume work.
At a local restaurant, I got on one knee and she said yes. 13 years later I haven’t got the balls to tell her I was just chasing a crouton.
Pete: I’m Pete
Peter: I’m Peter
Me, competitive: I’m Petest
2nd month dating: A thousand lifetimes with you would not be enough.
2nd month of marriage: OMG you are the loudest cereal chewer on earth!
I am at the mall at 6:30 pm on a Monday in July. I have seen so many belly buttons
Can’t we all just binge watch season 2022 and get it over with?
Me: “Could you show me where the self-help books are?”
Librarian: “No.”
Charlie Brown grew up to become a good grief counselor
Me: Did you use my highlighter?
2-year-old:
Me:
2:
Me:
2: No.
Apparently she’s always been neon yellow.
Baby Judge: You’re sentenced to 3 jars of strained peas.
*baby bailiffs drop their squeaky toys*
*an infant juror spits up*
Tony Hawk Pro Skater implies the existence of an evil, parallel dimension Tony Hawk Anti Skater.
I have a new alter ego named Princess of Optimism. You may call me Poo.
[at the general store]
me: one general please
Boss: Good suggestions at the staff meeting today, Bill.
Me: I talk in my sleep?
Between Man of Steel, This Is The End, and Pacific Rim, I’ve seen around 5 billion people die this summer. A personal best.
Bought some skinny jeans and tied them around my waist, they don’t work.
her: what do u do
me: [remembers girls like bad boys] i sell drugs
her: are u serious ??
me: [remembers girls like sensitive guys] to kids in need