[interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”Superman: Seriously?
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[first date that up until now is going extremely well]
date: it’s nice to finally meet a normal guy
me: my dog’s name is jeff
The crows are royally pissed off about something this morning and I’m thinking about flying up there and joining.
Possible Fact: If you suffer with freezing cold hands, you are contractually obliged to test their temperature by putting them on people.
Boxing is like a dance, a dance where you punch your dance partner until he doesn’t want to dance anymore.
my body: please, eat something green
me: ugh, fine! *eats mint chip ice cream*
Me: Please, call me John. No need to be all fancy with titles and last names.
Drill sergeant: …
Always a bridesmaid, never a bride. Because, I’m smarter than my friends.
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Dracula: Every day
Dentist: Your gums are covered in blood.
Dracula: Oh…I mean never. I never floss.
It’s not a real relationship, until you’ve apologized to a locked bathroom door.
Me: hey boy, wanna go back to my place and *hand jerking motion*
Him: oh yeah
[my place]
Me: *slams cup down on the table* YAHTZEE!!!
blenders are like “hey use me to make a healthy drink then spend 4 days getting me clean”
Wife: cuddle?
Me: ok
Wife: I mean with me
Me: *with my teddy bear* right
microwave: would you like your food too hot or too cold
me: what if you cooked it just right
microwave: wHaT iF You COoKeD it JuST RiGht lmao ok goldilocks
*sneezes with a mouthful of toothpaste*
Answering every phone call, text and email today with,
“NOT TODAY, SATAN, NOT TODAY”!
COP: careful, this guy’s insane
DETECTIVE: ok
[he walks into the interrogation room]
ME: i dont like the creme part of oreos
D: jesus christ
When I see the lyrics to a song I’ve been singing wrong the whole time.
5: Can we go outside and play.
Me: I’m sorry but I don’t feel good. I’ve been throwing up.
5: Can’t you just throw up outside?
DJ VAN HELSING: this one goes out to my boy, Drac
DRACULA: *rolls eyes* oh here we go
DJ VAN HELSING: *plays Man in the Mirror*
*maintains eye contact*
*leaves with Drac’s girl*
I saw a younger couple walking and holding hands today and it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka.
I was terrified when my son started driving alone, but then realized he could get dinner and grocery shop. I’m good now.
Dear commercial pitching me how much my funeral will cost,
It’s not going to cost ME anything.
[exchanging xmas gifts]
me: “if you dont open it you can never be disappointed can you?”
schrödinger: “i feel like i brought this on myself”
Twitter creates a false sense of intimacy because who else spends as much time with you in the bathroom?
*Bar fight*
Friend: you go high, I’ll go low.
Me: Ok.
*friend tackles guy at waist*
*me, singing falsetto*
AVOCADO: Hello I’m good fat
BACON: *lights cigarette* *punches avocado*
Me drunk dialling “oh sorry wrong number”, my Dad “now wait a minute”.
Last night I went to a fancy dress party dressed as a screwdriver. I turned a few heads.
Me: I want a labrador but all the pet shops are too expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
If I was a witch, I would curse people to have to poop right after showering