*on phone
Hello NASA, can you turn the sun down just a bit? It’s too bright.
NASA: That’s not how things work ma’am.
Me: Then what are we even funding you for? If I crash it’s on you.
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I’ve seen almost 400 kung-fu and wuxia movies over the past three years, so when I say I’ve never seen a fight like this before, it’s not hyperbole
(Drunken Dragon/Exciting Dragon – dir. Chiu Chung-Hing, 1985)
I am in the battle of my life with tangled macrame and I may not make it. If a spider finds me, I’m screwed.
Establish dominance over your grandma by giving her a crisp $5 bill on her birthday.
Me: ‘I need to lose some weight.’
Fries: ‘Let’s do it together.’
The distorted faces and primal noises I made during labor do not even touch my husband’s performance when he’s in the throes of a toe cramp.
“Holy infant so tender and mild.”
-cannibals
I’ll be so mad if I get reincarnated as me
To whoever has my old phone number: I truly hope you’re enjoying those texts from that guy I met at that thing
[neil degrasse tyson voice] the film is called Home Alone but thats actually a misnomer. in fact, kevin was joined in his home by 2 burglars
Every time I go down the village there’s one less child and one more goose and I think we really need to make more ‘Do Not Drink’ warning signs for the cursed well.
[visiting Hell as a tourist]
Satan: good morning, how do you want your eggs
Me: how bout *finger guns* deviled
Satan: congratulations you get to stay here
Mosquitoes be like “I know a spot” and then bite me in on that one part of my back I can’t reach
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
Me [coming in from walking the dog]: It’s raining bring your umbrella to the bus stop.
Child: It’s not raining.
Me: Um, yes. I was just outside.
Child: I’M LOOKING outside and it’s not raining.
Me: omg fine.
Child: [leaves]
…
…
…
Child [coming back in]: I need my umbrella.
Raising children takes a village, preferably one with many vineyards.
Husband looking through take out bag: Did you forget my tacos?
Me spewing taco shell crumbs: Thofe baftards mufed have forgot to pack fem.
‘Your legs, your thighs, they got me hypnotized’
~me talking to my KFC
[Live recording of The Oprah Winfrey Show]
Oprah: *excitedly pointing at audience members* You get a car, you get a car and you get a car, *looks me squarely in the eye* not you… *resumes* you get a car, you get a car…
If I was a witch, I would curse people to have to poop right after showering
Whenever another guy is checking out my wife, I like to stare back at him until he notices me, and then mouth the words “help me”
when all of your friends are at a bar that doesn’t allow you inside because one time you brought a sword in there
SON: Can horses run in the Olympics?
DAD: Wouldn’t be fair
SON: Why not?
DAD: [hand on son’s shoulder]
Usain Bolt is just too fast, buddy
No one:
My kid at 6am: if we plant a sausage maybe we can grow a sausage tree
“You know the speed limit here, son?”
45
“You know how fast you were going?”
88
“So where you off to in such a hurry?”
1985
WIFE: *spells out words so the kids won’t know what she is saying*
ME: [to the kids] I don’t know either.
Can’t believe New Zealand are introducing a new flag just as I finished memorising the old one.
“This smoothie is spicy!”
“Ma’am, that’s salsa.”
“No way.” -Jose
Don’t hate the game, hate the player who keeps sending you Facebook invites to play the game.
[jungle book]
bagheera: “you can’t fight him like a wolf, you’re NOT a wolf, fight him like a man”
mowgli: [writes a strongly worded e-mail]