I can’t find my toddler.
I can’t find the duct tape.
I’ve got a bad feeling about this.
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If you don’t want me to sing at your kids then don’t name them Roxanne.
I joined my 5yo in Roblox and after she was done giving my avatar a tour of her house, she followed my avatar into the bathroom because she didn’t want it to be lonely. Apparently no version of me gets privacy in the bathroom.
I’ve been anticipating all his needs and trying to be more on time with all of his demands. I really hope my cat picks me for employee of the month this time.
Parenting articles always give the most obvious advice: “Trouble getting your kids up in the morning? Put them to bed earlier.” Give me something innovative like “Invest in an air horn. We like this one that has a built-in water sprayer, available at Amazon for $15.99.”
me: if you love something, set it free
wife: [stopping me from releasing our baby into the wild] don’t
But is it really??
[jazz club]
date: I love the sound of double bass
me: [sexily] bass bass
If evolution were real you’d think my body would’ve learned how to be drunk on its own by now.
why is college the only institution that keeps asking you for donations after you’ve already paid? if my dentist called every 6 months saying “donate $200 to be in the Elite Teeth Club” I would call the police
Unless you want to be immortalized as a sloth don’t let someone take your picture after you eat 2 dozen wings
-Buddha
As long as McDonald’s doesn’t make us pay with excercise.
I failed my audition as Romeo through a misunderstanding over a stage direction. My copy of the script said: ‘Enter Juliet from the rear’
When I’m bored nobody texts me but as soon as I get busy as hell… BAM… still nobody texts me.
This could be the whiskey talking but I don’t think I should be jury foreman.
When I see a girl with a lot of makeup, I just wanna to use my finger & write `”WASH ME”` on her face.
[my 17 witnessing my wife and I kissing]
You guys have been married a long time, haven’t you had enough?
my first day as a raccoon
Thinking about getting my dog fixed. Shouldn’t be too expensive. Just needs an oil change and a new timing belt.
Kinda cool how Earth is the largest planet in the whole world.
I’ve met all my fitness goals by integrating a balanced diet of lower standards.
I lost my tesau…thesor…word book.
I follow so many accounts that have these amazing inspirational quotes and I’m over here like….
“I need coffee”
“Wine is my bestie”
“My kids are weird”
“Laundry sucks”So here’s my inspirational quote:
Fight like you’re the third monkey trying to get on Noah’s Ark.
No trip to Home Depot is complete without at least two more trips to Home Depot for what you didn’t know you needed to buy the first time.
Me: I want ice cr-
Girl who studied abroad: the gelato in Italy is soooo much better than ice cream. Trust me, I’ve been to Italy
girls don’t even dress up for Halloween, they just put a black outfit and choose between devil horns or cat ears
As I exposed my glorious chest hairs & catapulted toward the Velcro wall, I realized that I had no exit strategy.
I kept getting my shin badly grazed by the pedal of my bike when I was was a kid, that was one vicious cycle.
[TRYING TO IMPRESS NEW GIRLFRIEND]
‘Oh yeah, I love to cook!’
*removes salad from the microwave
Directions: avoid contact with eyes
“It’s Ok, Shampoo, I feel shy sometimes too.”
13 years of marriage and my husband has never asked me to make him a salad
When does he ask for one? During a pandemic when we’ve run out of vegetables and grocery pick up is in three days