judge: i hold you in contempt
me: get in line, pal
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My role in family now primarily consists of walking around the home shouting, “ONLY ONE PAPER TOWEL!” anytime anyone approaches the roll.
Raggedy Andy knew he was becoming a man when he noticed yarn where there wasn’t yarn before.
Told my kid it was time for a screen break and you’d think I asked for both of his kidneys
A sex robot is gonna shoot someone with a 3D gun in my lifetime
when isolation is over, we should all be allowed to commit one (1) crime since we’ve technically already served the time for it
My body is a “wonder what happened” land
i once got pulled into the boss’s office because a coworker was upset that i gave him “a look that implied he was an idiot.”
Diarrhea. Having it. Spelling it.
Everything about it is shit.
If I had all the money, I would pay people to sneak up behind you and blast a bullhorn right before you hit send on a political tweet.
My 2023 resolution to only say “Dah, who turned out the lights?” in the event that the lights have actually been turned off, and not when eg. I’ve had a large pot placed over my head or fallen into an open manhole, has already proven more difficult than I thought
technically true but not a great slogan
*Robber runs into Chipotle*
GIMME THE MONEY IN THE REGISTER
“Is this for here or to go?”
Uh. To go
“Do you want guac?”
Sure
“It’s extra”
I tried to kill a bug with febreeze but it didn’t work and now the room smells like lilac and fear.
Me: *[pulls back shower curtain]
“Dinner will be ready in 10 minutes”Him: “Who the hell are you and should I be scared?”
Dating tip: If you show a guy naked photos on your phone, 98% won’t notice if you steal their drink.
Is my boss trying to pronounce “charcuterie” or are they genuinely having a stroke? More at 11
A lot of people wonder if u have to choose between a creative career and making money, and I just wanna say stick with it long enough & you can have neither 🙏
@funTweeters I dig it! Thank you
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
I can’t sleep because I’m worried I’m not gonna get enough sleep because I should already be sleeping.
a customer just tried to get another customer kicked out for “having bad vibes”
I lost a contact at the gym and while I was searching for it people started gathering around and long story short I teach yoga now.
The kids are in bed
It isn’t that late
But now I will pay
For all that I ate
In phone books, “assisted living” is next to “assassin”, so be more careful than I was, hiring someone to ‘take care of grandma’.
tonight at the bar, ask a woman if you can buy her a drink. If she says yes, hand that lucky lady a Starbucks gift card and walk away
Hotel Front Desk: checking out ma’am?
Me: I’m a mom of three, I checked out a long time ago.
HFD:
Me: oh yes, I’m done with the room.
Doctor: Describe your headache.
Me: She’s about 5’8″, blonde, and the mother of my children.
Every Liam Neeson movie now is just him talking on the phone then killing people, right?
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
The last two weeks have been a strange ten years.