Just choked on a apple…
Bet a brownie wouldn’t have done that..
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Hey, don’t blame me for all of the craziness in this world. I was raised by a green frog named Kermit, a diva pig named Ms. Piggy, and a brown bear named Fozzie who was totally wacka, wacka, wacka.
Doctor: You have a problem. Your liver is enlarged.
Me: So I have more room for bourbon now?
Doctor: I hate this job.
When the the bladder control commercial with the jingle “Gotta go, gotta go, gotta go right now” came on my 5 year old asked “mommy, do these ladies really have to go to the bathroom or do they just think they do” thus becoming the youngest menopause expert in the world.
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
Someone in my neighborhood is cooking bacon and now I’m wondering if I should have been more friendly to my neighbors for the last 18 years.
I wish more modern politics was about trying to stop the fulfilment of an ancient prophesy.
{Bear walks up to me}
ME: Plays dead
BEAR: Get up, I just want to talk. Who are you voting for in the election
ME: Ugh, a poller bear
Doctor: You’re sick
Me: Yeah?
Doctor: *heelying away* But not sick enough
Me: Awww
Marriage is like sitting in a wobbly chair, it’s annoying but you’re settled and too lazy to find another seat.
i am a strong woman, but if a server doesn’t bring my food out with everyone else’s, fair warning – imma cry
I dont need glasses, they’re just making road signs smaller now
Passenger: That’s a billboard, and the road is over there
I don’t like to say something is “strong enough to kill a horse” because I have horses and I’ve had to call a vet twice because a horse “swallowed hay wrong.”
My boyfriend thinks it’s cute when I use the clap emoji but I’ve just been trying to tell him that I have an STD.
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
If your job doesn’t have a dress code, start wearing scrubs to it. Don’t say anything just do it and don’t answer any questions about it either
My superhero origin story began when I was bitten by a radioactive sofa.
I don’t know why Apple is charging me 7.99 , 3.99 and 10.99 and I will never know. frankly that is none of my business
[two women sunbathing in garden]
“It’s so nice out here”
“Where’s that creepy guy who lives next door?”
HEDGE “He’s away for the weekend”
*died in your arms tonight*
*stuffed in your trunk tomorrow*
*buried in the woods the day after that*
5yo: Can you cut this apple differently than how you normally do?
Me: *cuts it differently*
5yo: *doesn’t eat apple*
Me: Why aren’t you eating it?
5yo: Because it’s not the same!
Doctor: How many alcoholic drinks do you consume per week?
Me: *writes number on piece of paper & slides it facedown across table*
i will be the first to admit when something is my fault, it really undercuts the other people blaming me for things
Hey gang, let’s talk about what has gone right today.
Ok, good talk. See you tomorrow.
Mario: can I buy you a drink?
Peach: ew get a life
Mario: *eats mushroom* …now?
It’s bullshit that retirement homes have a minimum age. Being old and feeble is a mindset, let me in
Cool. Work is offering a webinar called Why Sleep Matters, and it takes place Friday at 5am.
My husband said he wants someone to scare him on Halloween, so I think I’ll tell him I’m starting menopause.
*coworker walks into bathroom, triggering the motion sensor that turns the lights on*
ME: [from one of the stalls] Welcome.
Resistance training
But me dragging my kids into school.