The worst part of getting a chain wallet for your birthday is that now you have 3 days to send 10 chain wallets to your friends.
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I’ll never understand why my children think pooping is a social activity.
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
“You get 2 wishes.”
I wish I got 3 wishes.
“Your wish is granted.”
Nice, nice.
“You have 2 left.”
if you want a really sexy woman, I just sat in a bunch of crushed up chips without realizing it and thought something was following me when I walked across the house cause I kept hearing the chips drop to the floor
please sir. my hands. they’re very soapy.
automatic faucet after rinsing my hands for 3.5 seconds: that’s enough for you. NEXT
son: *holding acorn* what’s this?
me: a tree
son: really?
me: in a nutshell, yeah
John: There are places…
Paul: I remember
George: All my life, though…
Ringo: How can antibiotics and pro-biotics both be good for you
Me: can I have a few extra days off over Christmas
Boss: it’s May
Me: sorry, may I have a few extra days off over Christmas
Me: I have over 22k followers on Twitter.
Kid sitting next to me: I have imaginary friends too.
Seekh Kebab
Not attention
“the immaturity and the copying are my main issues” I say in a whiny voice as my wife storms out of the counsellors office
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth.
Then it just becomes a soap opera.
Stan was confident he was no longer able to make quick getaways because the holes were now smaller.
*grabs walmart intercom*
WHY DID YOU LET ME GRAB THIS INTERCOM? I DON’T EVEN WORK HERE
*fighting noises*
YOU’RE GONNA LOSE YOUR JOB
Love your friends, crop dust your enemies in a crowded elevator.
Navy: (subtweets)
Army: (helicoptertweets)
[after meditating]: I’m still angry, but in a calmer way
Apparently when your spouse asks you “what would you like your Secret Santa to get you?”, “laid” isn’t an appropriate answer.
*on blind date*
Her: you wore pajama pants on a first date?
Me: wtf? I thought you were blind!
Lmao @ the people who named their kids Daenerys or Khaleesi. What a bunch of absolute fools. If only they were as wise as me, father to a beautiful baby girl named Detective Pikachu
I feel bad when a fly gets into my house. I know that little guy is starving cause I ate and left no crumbs
never trust a person who says they don’t like chocolate, even dogs eat chocolate and it kills them
when wolves raise a human child no one cares, but when i raise a wolf as my child and send it to elementary school everyone freaks out
*asks family what they want from the grocery, no one says a word*
{in checkout lane}
*receives 4 separate food request texts from family*
Yelp review: This forest is so full of trees you can’t see a damn thing. Also, bugs. 0/10
Dog: Stop staring at me. I don’t talk. Next time don’t take so many Sudafed.
Me: Wow, ok. Rewd.
*grabs my unicorn’s reins* Let’s go.
Facebook post: Sad news. Mom passed away this morning.
Facebook: Be the first person to like this.
The acute panic of my child going to hunt for batteries in my bedroom.
*grilled cheese
cheese: i want a lawyer
My wife just gave me an ultimatum, it’s either her or Twitter.
So, sadly this will be my last tweet, where I mention having a wife.