Raccoons are riding wild hogs into battle against the possums. I guarantee you the media will be completely silent about it.
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Spring is the most depressing season because all the birds are getting laid and I’m not
My father will accept 10 ripe avocados in exchange for my hand in marriage.
Her: I think I’m going to call it a night.
Me, looking out the window: Yea, I mean that’s what it’s called.
Him: why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: *covered in peanut butter and bird seed* it sure is a mystery.
You know what’s worse than someone’s phone alarm playing the tune over and over? Someone else who starts whistling along.
“We could do that, or…”
Translation: I’m afraid I’ve just placed your suggested plan gently into the bin.
Little Drummer Boy: I have no gift to bring, pa rum pum pum pum.
Mary: What about that rad drum?
Little Drummer Boy: No
Mary: Get out
coworker: what do u think happens after we die
me: when I die, nothing
coworker: what about when I die
me: I get arrested
Me: Don’t fall in love with me doll face. I’m no good for you; I’m bad news.
Her: No problem. Here’s your change. Pull up to the next window.
Normalize hissing at people who stand too close to you in the checkout line.
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
[2018]
SON: I have the sniffles.
WIFE: Let’s get you to the ER![1986]
ME: I just took half my finger off with the saw!
DAD: Go get the hydrogen peroxide and a stapler.
ME: …
DAD: Grab me a beer on your way.
the metric system will never catch on here because too many Americans are into feet
Thinking about the time my toddler was looking at his pruny fingers after a bath and said ‘mommy they look like your forehead.’
Come on Canada, first Celine, then Nickelback, NOW Bieber!? Are you TRYING to provoke a war?
I was 13 the first time I tried probiotics. Some kids were passing a cup of yogurt around at a party. I figured why not? Now I’m in prison.
Fun prank:
1. Steal your married friends phone
2. Change your name to ‘Brandi from the club’
3. Call repeatedly at 3AM and hang up
Squirrels before girls.
INTERVIEWER: when u read a good book, wat kind of things do u pictur in ur head
ME: [pausimg for a split second too long] words
Dropped ice in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.Dropped a baby in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.
Doctor: And how many partners have you had?
Danny Ocean: It varies by movie.
hear me out, a safari park full of giraffes called giraffe’ic park
Hey Paul Ryan, why don’t you save some first names for the rest of us.
No need to drive me crazy. I can walk from here.
*Librarian walks in* You know what’s great kids? You don’t need wifi to read a book!
*Kids boo*
*Someone in the crowd yells “NERD”*
Sorry I’m late, there was a dad yelling at his teenage son for buying $90 jeans and I had to hear every word of it.
“just get thru the 1st day without them finding out youre an elephant”
IT dude: “ok here’s your new mouse”
[just fkn destroys the place]
Murder Hornets have arrived in America. Not sure how they got past the wall.
I have about 5 different personalities and not one of them can find my car keys.
A horse covered in floaties gallops happily toward a swimmin pool.
He sees a sign “NO HORSEPLAY”
He lowers his head
“Ok”
& sadly trots away