I took Social Studies for so many years, but I still don’t know how to socialize
You Might Also Like
“How did you get those scars?”
[Flashback to me running into a glass door]
They’re from Cage fighting.
[accidentally hits Siri in high school classroom]
Siri: what can I do for you, #1 God of Sex?
[every boy in the class checks their phone]
No, honey, you aren’t a “hot mess” or a “beautiful disaster”.
You are a psycho with mascara.
Inflation has drastically altered what it means to say “I just ate $25 worth of Taco Bell”
All the guys in working out photos look like they’re straining or in pain, but there’s lots of pictures of me with cake and I look happy.
Mom always said she didn’t have a favorite child, which was tough because I don’t have any brothers or sisters.
Me: I hate how someone keeps putting advertising flyers on my windshield and forcing me to throw them away.
Friend: Flyers for what?
Me: Some club called VIOLATION.
“This isn’t working out,” I insist to my girlfriend as we glide effortlessly downhill on her tandem bicycle.
*forgets Netflix password*
*sends email reset*
*forgets email password*
*sends reset to backup*
20 resets later:
*opens 2nd Netflix account*
How it started: How it’s going:
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
I had the car up on the jack loosening the lug nuts, neighbor says you’re going to kill yourself here let me show you, and that’s how you get someone to change a tire for you.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s an extra chin.
‘You have a choice to not be rotten’ I patiently explain to my cat who promptly responds by vomiting on the couch
If you’re robbing my house, just bring a second guy to eat a pizza in front of my dog while you take whatever you want.
It’s like joking about bombs in the TSA security line. Is it protected speech? Yes. Is it a crime? No. Are you going to have a bad day? Yes.
Going to church you guys need anything
To whoever has my voodoo doll, stop making her go to work !
“I was in so many vaginas in college my buddies called me Danpon. Anywho, tell me all your hopes and dreams.” – Me on first date/last date
me: ok, we’re all tired, let’s go to bed
5yo: what did you do to be tired?
me: *eye twitches*
I’m not saying I drink too much caffeine but I do believe my body will keep moving 48 hours after my death.
who called it trying to conceive and not kidding?
instead of “did you eat today babe?” it’s always “how many eggs did you eat today babe?” and “was it only eggs again babe?” and “there are only two eggs left babe, the carton was full this morning.”
I took my kids to a restaurant for the first time in a year.
Turns out the pandemic was not the only reason I was avoiding taking them in public
R.I.P.
no actually it’s called an “african-american” eye, bud. and i got it cause someone beat the crap out of me for being too politically correct
Me: I signed my son up for an appointment with a child psyhcologist
Doctor: That’s me
Me: but you’re an adult
Doctor: and a child psychologist
Me: how
[space]
MARS: March was named after me
PLUTO: So, Mickey Mouse’s dog was named after me
MARS: …
PLUTO: …
MARS: I’m a planet
PLUTO: Sonuvabi—
Hospitals make mistakes with newborns, so before bringing yours home, check by rubbing its belly. If it curls in and bites you, that’s a cat
The guy I paid to pave my driveway hasn’t shown up in two weeks.
I’m not worried tho. I’m sure he’ll resurface one day.