*putting wrinkle cream on my crow’s feet*
HOLD STILL, MR. VANDERBEAK!
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I have days when wearing a hat is the only use I have made of my head.
Seas the day!!!!
Friend: I’m not trying to butt heads with you, but…
Me: *dons helmet, tightens chin strap, braces for impact* BRING IT!
FIRST TIME MOM: Hush little baby don’t say a word.
BABY: {saying first word} Mama.
FIRST TIME MOM: [makes note on clipboard] Doesn’t follow directions yet.
Housekeeping: Ma’am, would you like me to turn down your bed?
Me: Yes, thank you. Would you mind turning down my husband for me as well?
[superfriends lunch]
BATMAN: There’s an underwater nuclear threat
SUPERMAN: Aquaman, go!
AQUAMAN: [stares at watch] Gotta wait 30 minutes
birthday cake is the only thing that someone can blow and spit on, yet, everybody wants a slice?
first you must answer his riddles
For lent, I’m going to give up sexual innuendos but it’s hard… so hard!
[milking a cow]
Cow: ooh, harder, daddy, harder
Farmer: what?
Cow: I mean – moo
What I have learned from dating is that if he shows you affection, talks to you every day, and introduces you to his friends and family, he’s just not that into you
We get it – “Bacardi” rhymes with “party,” “bottle” rhymes with “model,” and “sex” rhymes with “text.” You rappers can stop rapping now.
Sometimes I stand in the shower for 10 minutes before I remember what I’m supposed to be doing. So, yes your secrets are safe with me.
The year is 2543. Beyblades are a form of currency. Everyone speaks in emoji. President Woof outlaws all cats. Madonna releases a new single
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
Betrayal only comes from someone we’re close to. Just like herpes.
911: whats the emergency?
∞: hi, i am 8. i have fallen and can’t get up.
I was only mildly famous in the ’90s but vaccinate your kids
‘I’ve never done this on a first date before’ I say as I start vacuuming his place
THIS HEADLINE
Autocorrect changed honey to homey.
Now, instead of going out to a romantic dinner we will be doing a drive-by.
What’s a good wedding gift that says “Congratulations!” but also subtly says “I really liked your first wife better”?
Interviewer: “Is this glass half empty or half full?”
Guy: “It’s completely full.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to Lay’s.”
The veggies I bought 3 weeks ago as I reach for another pudding
My mom when I opened up a bag of candy in the backseat of the car.
[goes to museum of fine art]
“Just how fine can this art be, anyway”
[sees a vase in a thong]
“oh damn”
[having a little snack before bed]
Me: HONEY, WHERE IS THE OIL FOR THE DEEP FRYER?
*gently places finger on caroler’s lips*
you had me at “O come”
I am grateful for the canned, boxed, frozen dinners my parents provided. BUT my favorite thing about having worked in kitchens for years and having the time and ability to cook great, from-scratch meals for my children is when they say, “Ugh! Can’t we just order pizza!?!”
Looks like someone’s been slipping steroids into Garfield’s lasagna again.