Women on twitter tell me my beard is hot
Women in real life tell me where I can find food and shelter .
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“I’VE BEEN KICKED OUT OF CLASSIER BARS THAN THIS,” I scream at my house
Do robots dream of electric sheep?
Now I lay me down to sleep
I hope you like this and retweet
If I should die before I wake
I may have eaten too much cake
I love that you can say “pardon my french” and then say a swear and everyone’s like “ok, I was warned” but if you said “pardon my French” and spoke French someone would hit you in the knees with a bike chain
Lance Armstrong should be applauded for being able to ride a bike so well on drugs. I tried it once. Hit a dog and fell into the canal.
I’m so poor, the ducks are throwing bread at me.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
My kid saw everything that was going to be from Santa in my saved-for-later cart on Amazon, so now my options are to start Christmas shopping from scratch or to persuade my kid that Amazon works for Santa.
The first matador
I can explain a lot of things in Manchester but I can’t explain this 😭
WOW! SNOWING EVERYWHE…. it stopped.
OMG IT’S STARTING AGAIN AND… nvrmind.
HERE IT IS AGAIN, WEEE…its gone.– Snow globe, the story.
The 2024 federal budget promises billions of dollars in new spending. Aw, that’s so sweet, they’re gonna do a single grocery run for us!
*changes entire paper to past tense to try to increase the page count*
surgeon: we’re only allowing family right now
olive garden waitstaff: yeah that’s why we’re here
It’s impossible to look like a bad ass while eating a snow cone.
Instant pancake mix box: just add water
Me: sounds easy
Oh no, too thick [adds more water]
Oh no, too runny [adds more mix]
.
.
.
*Three hours later* a lovely breakfast of 137 pancakes
My son just walked into the room, said hello, asked how I was, then left.
He didn’t actually want anything.
I know! Incredible!
Oh and then I fainted.
Neighbor: Oh your baby has beautiful big eyes!
My wife: Yeah, like his dad
Me: *Stares suspiciously at our gardener Sauron*
I ordered side dishes from Cracker Barrel to take to my mom’s for Thanksgiving and when I asked if they would be hot at pick-up the lady said, “Are you taking to someone’s house? Bc it’s going to say Cracker Barrel on the pan so bring dishes.”
Good God that’s customer service.
If Christian Bale’s voice as Batman were any more throaty, that dude would be talking Arabic.
Things are getting serious with my new boyfriend. Neither of us have slept with anyone else in eleven months (we met last week)
Every single cat would kill you if it was big enough. Think about THAT when you are deciding between name brand cat food and the generic.
One thing I’m really good at is turning $1500 into $4.72
*puts bread in toaster* hmm something strange about the toaster today
Duck(from in toaster): no there isnt
Men fantasize about me, women want to be me and children obey me!
[wakes up on bathroom rug]
I don’t need the audio tour at the museum, I have my teen to provide critical commentary the entire time.
[nearing end of first date]
Me: I’ll give you a call later, OK?
Her: *throws phone in river* I lost my phone.
When you’re on the couch being all comfy, snuggled under a blanket, a glass of wine on your left, a bag of chips on your right, the cat is sleeping on your lap, and you realize you forgot to put the remote within reach.
That’s the moment you wish you had kids.
Engaged couples should register for two of everything so it’s easier to divide stuff when they divorce.