Customer: you don’t want to see me when I’m mean
Me: I don’t want to see you when you’re happy either!
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Kids have so many food allergies these days.
In 15 years you’ll be able to rob a bank with a bag of peanuts.
straight people: gay marriage is an embarrassment to marriage!
also straight people:
I just swallowed a Norton Anti-virus CD. I’m good now.
During cavity search:
Whoa buddy! What part of “friend zone” don’t you understand?
Womens clothing designers: would you like it skin tight?
Me: uh no
WCD: how about moomoo?
Me: can I have something in between?
WCD: no can do
Scrooge: you there, girl, what day is it?
Rebecca Black: *inhales*
Ankles by my ears? What is this? Cirque du Soleil??
I’d like to thank the municipal snow plow for recreating the wall from Game of Thrones at the end of my driveway
“Just act natural,” I say to myself as I purchase a spade and two large bags of cement.
The police have just found my stash of ceremonial chairs in my transparent garden potting shed. Just goes to prove…
People in glass houses shouldn’t stow thrones
Yes, auto-correct, I wanted to wish my friend a happy 4th of Judy.
If I could hop as high as a frog in relation to the size of my body that would not be a very safe or useful superpower but goddamn would it be fun
I hope the rapture makes the line at the dinner buffet shorter.
Imagine falling for someone then finding out they drink their coffee one spoonful at a time like soup.
I would organize my thoughts but I’m afraid they would form a union and demand benefits.
Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That’s where I come in.
I gotta work tomorrow? like, my job??? I have had 17 straight days off you expect me to remember what it is I do for a living
My whole life I would put old bananas in the trash but when I got married I learned that first they go in the freezer to sit for a long time and then they go in the trash.
Welcome to The News. Tonight’s top story: you know that thing you love? It’s terrible and you’re terrible. Thanks,
You know you’re getting old when the kids start referring to your savings as their inheritance.
I just checked Amazon again and they still don’t sell fire-breathing dragons. I’m a Prime member, this is bullshit.
Dog tried taking me for a run. I wasn’t having it. I made her drag me the whole time.
Me: was the “also” because the sun SETS or because the MOON rises?
Hemingway: couldn’t you have picked someone living to have dinner with
Family gonna ask what i brought to thanksgiving this year.. Ima say beef & swing on my cousin
“Why do old people keep getting scammed by phone calls?” wonders a generation that just sent a headshot and access to the data stored on their iPhones to a company they’ve never heard of before
just found out that some people don’t double click the tongs before using them. wtf
you idiots are out here getting your wisdom teeth removed. me? i am having more added. where did you think yours were going? that’s right, my mouth. i have 107 wisdom teeth now. my wisdom has never been higher. i am realizing for the first time that this was not a good idea
A silly but epic reminder of what happens when one person stands up. 😉
Aries: You pissed off the moon. You’re on your own.
her: this is the worst date EVER
me: ugh. i told you not to eat the pit