I won’t bore you with my problems. Because all of my problems are fascinating.
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Remember, if you get dumped, it’s only because they’re looking for someone sexier and more attractive. It has NOTHING to do with you.
ME: you told me to put my hands where you can see them
COP: yes but please don’t cup my face
[explaining why we got fat]
Friend: I had a baby
Me: I had a donut
your quarterback name is your grandfather’s first name and the last thing you did mine’s Dom Paintwall. ok you go
How come when a child shouts “This is dumb” at a wedding it’s considered cute, but when I do it, I’m immediately replaced by another priest?
Here’s a conspiracy theory, your parents conspired to create an idiot
Oddly enough, ever since downloading
AdBlock onto my computer …..all the local girls in my area
seem to have lost interest.
Me: Why do you love me?
Wife: *shrugs*
Me: Why do you find me annoying?
Wife: *reveals six spreadsheets and a pie chart*
“dress for the job you want”
“ok!”
*shows up to work naked*
“what are you doing”
“i don’t want a job”
I’ve slept with enough babysitters to know how to raise a kid thanks mom
Apparently it was wrong of me to tell the aunt who said that I’ve gotten ‘big’ since 2019 that she’s also gotten ‘bigger’ since I saw her in 2019.
How to dress when you are a woman over forty:
1. Be a woman over forty
2. Put your clothes on
[trying to impress a girl]
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *flies off treadmill*
The “Is it a bird? Is it a plane” trope makes it canon that Superman flies in a T-pose
*buys box of donut holes*
I won’t eat anything that casts a shadow
When my girlfriend makes me angry, I look at her through the fork and pretend she’s in jail. It heals me spiritually
Maybe the sharks are attacking people bc they think they are made of cake
To the person who brought multi-grain chips to the party- you could have just said you didn’t want to come.
This is like the worst pick up line I’ve ever heard in my life. Come on now guys do better. do better.
😩🤭😂🤣😂🤦🏼♀️
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
Went out of town, came back and the roomba changed all the locks
PMS: Your eyes look empty.
ME: I feel great.
PMS: Better put mascara on.
ME: To look pretty?
PMS: To look crazy when I make you cry.
Me at 22: you can find me in da club 🎶
Me at 42: you can find me in da tub 🛁
wtf is an acronym
Ok, new plan, I’m gonna marry a Kardashian.
if your refrigerator’s running i’d take off in the same direction. no time to grab anything just go, run!
Finally found a use for one of my old bridesmaid dresses. I feel like the prettiest girl in Home Depot.
Cop: [knocks]
Dinosaur: can I help you?
Cop: we’ve had reports of small arms fire
[Flaming T-Rex runs past screaming]
Some fancy kids just egged my house with quail eggs. I went out to yell, and one of them garnished me with chives.