Skeletor: Nice ride
He-Man: Thanks
Skeletor: Prince Adam has a pet tiger too
He-Man: Yeah? Complete different guy though
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me, preparing for a natural disaster, to my wife: i converted all our money to dimes & nickels
My kids are gathered around the Christmas tree to analyze the gifts. They carefully weigh and gently shake each box, then they put other things around the house into cardboard boxes and shake them for comparison. They’re getting too tactical this year…Santa’s in the crosshairs.
Someone asked me today about my plans for the Fall and it took me a moment to realize she meant the Autumn and not the collapse of civilization.
No, I wasn’t dancing. I wore flowered leggings & got harassed by a bumble bee.
Am I the only one who gives people in my neighborhood names they don’t know they have? a.k.a. “Running Man”,”Mustang Bob”, “Blue truck dude”
Ex [to kids]: dad made a mistake and will be gone for awhile
8: what did he do?
Ex: what do you think he did?
8: he drove while drinking
Ex: yes
8: AGAIN?!
two guys fighting over oars are just having a row it took me 3 hours to write this crap send tweet
Dream inside a dream
– inceptionInn inside an inn
– innceptionRe: Re:
– receptionRe: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re:
– email from your gran
Personal trainer: And how much weight are you looking to lose?
Me: *googling weight limit for bouncy castles* Hold on…
Me: some mornings I see myself in the mirror and think what am I even getting ready for
Therapist: sorry, can you pull the toothbrush out of your beard
Dance like you didn’t file your tax return.
Lost your keys?
Why not try looking in the same two places 16 times whilst getting increasingly angrier
Hot waitresses give me anxiety. I don’t need some babe rolling up on me while I’m jamming food in my face.
Awwww, your kids sound like they are still adorable. My kids are teenagers. They make “yo mama” jokes and then look over at me nervously.
realized that the anxieties I have about getting my first tatt are the exact same ones I have about having kids one day, like “can I commit to this forever” and “will it still be cute in 10 years”
Boom, boom, ching!
“Better to be pissed off than pissed on!”
Actually, I prefer a third scenario where I’m not angry or covered in piss.
[Shark Tank]
ME: I have discovered a microbe that consumes plastic
MARK CUBAN: And why do you need our money?
ME: It ate my credit card
morpheus: you can take the red pill, or the blue one
me: *slapping them onto the ground* winners don’t do drugs
nasa employee: oh hey u guys are back early
astronaut: moon’s haunted
nasa employee: what?
astronaut: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s haunted
“Oh my gosh, this is the biggest donut I’ve ever seen.”
“Mam, that’s a tire.”
“Kids, get me a napkin.”
Sex is great but have you ever perfectly clapped the hand clapping part of a song?
Ear cleaning technician sounds like a solid career path. As far as we know people are going to have ears.
There’s no time like the present. Or later. Later on is pretty similar, actually.
How confused about the world are you right now, on a scale of 0 to “trying to figure out a friend’s shower”
Her: I just programmed all of my friends into my new cell phone.
Me: Wow, it holds three whole numbers?
most whales are bigger than a strawberry
My husband accepted an invite to a bbq for us and said we would bring a salad, like “we” has anything to do with it.
‘God given talent’ is a weird idea.
God: “Hmmm, I’ll give it to that kid and let the other millions work in data entry.”
Screw you, targeted Facebook ad for adult diapers!
*thinks about not having to pause TV or games*
*orders some*