Friend: You need help?
Me: I need to write a couple letters.
Friend: OK
Me: Not those.
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Sometimes u see the moon during the day and it’s like, wow, how embarrassing. Showed up early because you were bored? Get a life, nerd moon.
I’m just a girl adding $132 worth of merchandise to my cart so I don’t have to pay the $10 shipping charge.
Whatever you say to someone, do it while slowly landscaping a tiny zen garden to really bring it home.
Forgot my phone and had to write my tweets on paper and pass ’em around at the meeting.
Didn’t get any stars.
Got RT’d to HR.
My coworker’s nose is whistling as he breathes and that fact alone should allow me to cop a sweet plea deal for what’s about to happen here
STRANGER: she has a book. cute and smart
ME: [taking a bite of the small layer cake i made to look like a book]
STRANGER: a stunning genius
little kids always bringing toys with them and start talkin bout “can u hold this for me.” no i cant. thats ur shit. u only been alive a few years and ur already making enemies
You can usually win any arm wrestling contest by simultaneously leaning in for a kiss.
When someone compliments you, etiquette dictates that you respond with “That is accurate.”
Uber is driving me to drink. Literally.
But if I get tinted windows, how will people see me flipping them off?
A man rejecting my advances can’t hurt me. I have a dog who leaves the bed every time I climb in.
Homosexuality was still classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979. Swedes protested by calling in sick to work saying they felt gay.
“This one’s cute.” – me picking out a watermelon.
I have no idea what I’m doing.
Can you imagine being a cat and having to do this NINE times?!
Bury me in a shirt that says “not a zombie” so I can trick everyone when I’m a zombie
If a bear confronts you in the woods, make it go away by handing it a flyer for your boyfriend’s band’s show.
Not to spoil the eclipse for y’all but Bella chooses Edward lol
theory: eating m&ms one at a time will decrease my chances of eating them all in one sitting and feeling terrible later.
findings: I am going to barf very soon.
One time back before automatic signatures I wrote a rather stern email to a group at work about a poorly-run project. I hastily closed with “Regards, (my name)” or at least thought I did; that day I learned qwerty keyboards are my enemies thanks to the proximity of the G to the T
The new iPhone’s front camera detects when you’re looking at another phone and gives you a small electric shock.
ME: what’s the name of that soft french cheese we liked?
HER: camembert
ME: me either
JUDGE: So to be clear, you’re pleading not guilty to stealing the child’s shoes?
ME: [heelies up to the mic] That’s correct
I like older men because their sense of humour was shaped before Family Guy was popular
When one door closes, I lock it.
I’m not chancing someone else getting in.
[reading death threat]
*shrugs* Anyone with spelling this bad would definitely botch a murder.
Been asking what IDGAF means and so far I can’t say people’s responses have been that helpful
Date: Are you winking or blinking?
Cyclops: I do not know.
Jesus was the original child star who fell in with the wrong crowd and died young.