Dentist: “When was the last time you flossed?”
Me: “BRO, you were there.”
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Please don’t leave me to my own devices. They’re all out of batteries
Shouldn’t the sea be called an isntland?
Sir, I don’t know how you keep getting in here, but again, this is not what a think tank does
Serial killers who work with a partner are called killaborators.
god: i need you to build a death star
noah: uh, what’s a death star?
god: {flipping through his notes} oh, sorry, wrong story. i need you to build an ark…
You’re 11. RT @pepsi: A Pepsi party means _____. #LiveForNow
Always be kind to people, you never know who may own a boat.
Sometimes I think about the time my four year old told me she ate fruit at school and when I asked her what kind she said flamangos.
Homosexuality is found in over 450 species. Homophobia is only found in two. Help us get rid of the Ecuadorian fag-hating spider 🙁
The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. That’s why it’s crazy for me to go to work
I am looking forward to 6pm Thanksgiving Day when Walmart opens its doors for its annual sale of trampled human corpses.
sitcoms would be a lot more believable if they had 5 loads of laundry waiting to be folded on the sofa
Cheers to all who skipped that one dish at Thanksgiving because you just didn’t trust the person who brought it.
Oh, you didn’t have any taste before Covid either, honey
It’s faster just accepting that a fish learned to walk and then everything got weirder.
me: it is lonely at the top.
therapist: yes, but why is it written under ‘ describe your sex life?’
A bug is just a bug until you put one on someone’s face.
I’m at my most potato when I’m twice-baked
Him: *Head in hands*
Her: What’s happened?
Him: Well- I…I… I found this head
Cow werewolves transform during a full moo.
…No, YOU shut up.
Yeah sex is pretty good but have you ever successfully started a conga line?
Looking at hotels, one review says there are “drug attics” here.
Well what a fun little storage idea!
Booked it
When I was in high school we had to do an assignment where we kept a food diary and I worked at Baskin Robbins so one night for dinner all I wrote down was 14 waffle cones and 1/2 cup hot fudge and my teacher sent me to the counselor.
I don’t know much about fashion. I assume a leotard is an idiot born between July 23 & August 22.
The bear sleeping bag is completely awesome.
SHERIFF 1: You’ve got updog on your shirt
SHERIFF 2: Not now. I have six holsters labeled A-F and only A, B, C, D, and F have a gun up them.
SHERIFF 1: What’s up holster E?
SHERIFF 2: It’s how you put fabric on couches
There is no room in this room cause you brought an elephant with you
My 11-year-old is talking about what she wants her future house to look like and I’m pretty sure she is describing a zoo.
I took a personality test and hoo-boy I do not appreciate some of the things it is saying about me.
The main reason I don’t want to monetise my Twitter in any way isn’t so much on principle but more out of the shame I would feel if I had to disclose “low quality anonymous shitposting” to the Tax Office all for $4.50 in annual profits