My 6yo was losing in a game of air hockey with my 9yo, got frustrated and refused to continue. I tried talking to her about not giving up in these situations and she said “Well, you give up when you’re arguing with mommy.”
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If you call pooping ‘taking a dumpling’ it’s too cute for people to care where you did it
Why put it in my calendar when I can just wait until someone texts me “Where the hell are you?”
I wonder how many baptisms by fire were performed before someone switched to water.
choosing between self-checkout and cashier is such a battle for me. there’s either a 100% chance i have to interact with a human or a 20% chance i have to interact with a human to explain why i am too dumb
I’m really not sure how many times I’ll search for my phone with the flashlight on my phone before I realize I’m an idiot….
I don’t think that i’ve ever made anyone get the butterflies. Dry heave yeah but i don’t think…no
Shoutout to torpedoes for getting through hardships.
Me: What do you want to be, when you grow up?
6YO *looking me in the eye*: A rockstar artist and God
Me: Girl you must be tired cos you have been running through my mind ALL day!
Her: really?
Me: nah, you do look tired though.
Always live on the bottom floor it’s further from heaven and harder for God to see you sinning
[drive thru window]
toddler: can I say hi?
me: aww that’s sweet *rolls down window*
toddler: two milkshakes please
Just stood on my porch and screamed “STOP IT!” at the top of my lungs and two doors over someone yelled back “K”.
Scream movies would never happen in this day and age because every time the killer would call we’d just let it go to voicemail.
IF YOUR GIRLFRIEND ASKS IF YOU WOULD STILL LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM, JUST SAY YES. SHE WILL NEVER BE A WORM. YOU WILL NEVER ACTUALLY HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT. BUT YOU WILL HAVE TO DEAL WITH THE GIRLFRIEND WHO THINKS YOU WOULDN’T LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM AND SHE IS MAD
People with stick figure families on their car: Oh look how cute we are!
Criminals: I’ll need 3 rolls of duct tape.
Whoever coined the term “gross profit” wasn’t getting paid for their job.
I have two kinds of followers
Relationship status: my last pickpocket had really gentle hands.
Day 14: I notice a seam in the wall. It’s a removable panel. I crawl through a tunnel, down, down. I emerge into a space like a hangar. There is a 1/6 scale exact replica of my home, my car, my office…all the places I most often frequent. “This is not for you,” says my cat.
I fold.
Origami Instructor: That’s why we’re here, yes.
Doctor: I’m afraid you’re dying
Me: And there’s no cure?
Doctor: Yes just cut out pizza and chocolate
Me: I can’t believe there’s no cure
YOUTH 1: lol
YOUTH 2: wtf
YOUTH 1: lmao
YOUTH 2: ikr
ME [trying to fit in]: obgyn
Me single at 22: calls dibs on a hot guy.
Me single at 37: calls dibs on the biggest slice of pizza.
I want to be the person in every McDonald’s whose job is to sit on the sandwiches just before they go into the bag.
I love that sexy thing you do, what’s it called again? Oh yeah, me.
The earth moves 1.6 million miles per day. So no I didn’t just “lay in bed and watch TV all day” I traveled very far thank u
Someone just told me to tone it down a notch. So disrespectful. I don’t have notches. I’m analog. I’m continuous. We have smidgens. I’ll tone it down a smidgen.
The internet is cool because you can make a joke about cannibalism being bad and someone will respond with, “Actually, it’s racist NOT to eat people.” And you’re 95% sure he’s just the dumbest person alive but you still have to google for 20 minutes to make sure you’re not racist
Who’s soul do I have to sell in order for my eyeliner to come out even on both eyes?
In my opinion it’s the aborted fetus’ fault for not carrying a gun for protection