fully vaccinated and about to show the geese in this parking lot who’s boss
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[starbucks]
ME: I’ll have a mocha latte an can I get an extra sho-
Eminem: *wearing apron* YOU ONLY GET ONE SHOT
Autocorrect and I are so close, we finish each other’s sentinels.
Imagine how tall this baby will be when it’s fully grown.
If Wile E. Coyote really wanted to destroy the Road Runner, he should have just proposed.
Therapist: healing isn’t linear
Me: what if I pay extra?
We have one rule in this house and one rule only: nothing too lifelike that will scare you when you walk into a dark room.
You know how dogs think, when you leave, that you’re never coming back? That’s how I feel when I leave the house for work every morning.
[family picnic]
ME: *flipping brats on the grill*
WIFE: have you seen the kids
mugger: how much you got
me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar
I’m jealous of turtles because if they don’t want to talk to someone, they’re like “Nah, dude, busy in my shell right now. Come back later.”
I ran into a friend who asked how distance learning has been going with my kid. I whined about the horrorfest this morning (trying to teach 8th grade common core math.) I gave an example but my friend didn’t understand so I began explaining. Then it hit me I was teaching it AGAIN
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog
Me: Look, you delivered this brand new yet ever since it doesn’t stop making weird noises! I believe I’m owed a replacement under warranty?
The midwife: 😐
Ok I think somewhere we go wrong as a species is not having a defined mating season. bc then if it doesn’t work out during that season you can just chill the rest of the year and not feel so pressured
‘THINGS WE DIDN’T DO:
•Start the fire
•Shoot the deputyTHINGS WE DID DO:
•Built this city
•Shot the sheriffTHINGS WE WANT TO DO:
•Break free
•Hold your handTHINGS WE WILL DO:
•Rock you
•Survive
•Anything for loveTHINGS WE WON’T DO:
•That’
in other news: 8 hours from now, half the country will be screaming about tragedy and loss b/c some dudes didnt catch a ball enough times
TEACHER: You just answered B to every test question
ME: I figured I’d get a few right
TEACHER: It wasn’t multiple choice
why do they call it involuntary manslaughter and not a grave mistake
[restaurant]
me: you mind if I go to the bathroom?
date: yeah sure
me: thanks, I prefer to eat in private
Cheap 1st Date Ideas: Get some matching Red Polo shirts & hang out in a Target. Give terrible info to inquisitive costumers.
Welcome to parenthood. You’re about to spend an irrational amount of time convincing a sleepy person to go to sleep
[me narrating a documentary about grasshoppers]
And here we see these little liars hopping on sand.
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what good parents do.
Memes like this are the reason I still use social media.
FUN FACT:
Scientists have proven, there IS in fact life outside the United States.
I enjoy learning about the world by watching the Olympics. So far I’ve learned that Canada ISN’T the only country that participates in curling.
If by bandwidth you’re talking about the elastic in the underwear around my waist, then yes…I have a lot of bandwidth.
Those who run away from me are afraid that they might confess their love to me.