Please hide my job in a piece of cheese or a spoonful of peanut butter
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“I’m so hungry I could eat a-”
*walks by burger joint*
“nope, had one yesterday”
*walks by hot dog stand*
“closer”
*walks by stable*
“HORSE”
I only wear a scarf on really cold days. I should probably wear some other clothes too.
me: [a rest stop designer] this is the tile I want for the bathrooms that are always out of order
Either I just saw a bat in the garden or the mice are using hand-gliders to avoid our cat.
“I hate seeing you like this,” she thought every time she encountered anyone over the course of the day.
Me: goodnight moon
Moon: It’s 6pm
Me: I know but I’m tired
Moon: I literally just got here
My fiancee knows that I would kill for her, and it’s really annoying that she hasn’t asked me to yet.
I can’t bend my pinky without my ring finger bending as well..is this normal?
Let’s hear your results ’cause I know you just tried it.
Don’t be concerned whether your kid will like his or her name when they grow up. You’re the one who should like it because you’re the one that’s going to be yelling it all the damn time.
SON: Is it true trees kill more people than wild animals do?
[tree hiding in broom closet tenses up]
DAD: Nonsense.
[tree sighs in relief]
Your name is Jeff with a G? Jeffg? Ok
I don’t know what’s more embarrassing, accidentally sending nudes to your boss or getting a pay decrease as a result of your nudes.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘condescending’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can. Can YOU?
Bugs have antennas so they can get a few local channels for free
I don’t care if you have a date you can’t borrow the good porcupine.
i can promise you i will never love anyone enough to ride a tandem bike with them
I wonder how long it will be before “You look like a million bucks” is an insult. #inflation
Her: *Looking at furniture we can’t afford*
Me: You know you can’t have that, why do you tease yourself?[A few hours later]
Me: *Watching sportsball on TV*
Me: *Perks up at cheerleader*
Her: *Just raises one eyebrow*
Someone posts video
“Wait till the end”Me – *fast forwards to the end*
My kitten runs away when the kids come near her, and now I’m mad that I never thought to try that myself.
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
Me as a lawyer: your honor, stfu cause you wasn’t even there
I just want a stalker that will power wash my deck while I’m at work
I’m dying louder than usual today.
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
Sorry I haven’t returned your text in 3 days, I was taking a nap.
The new employee manual at work mislabeled “casual Friday” as “cannibal Friday” & sadly we lost poor Dorothy before anyone could stop Fred.
Conspiracy implies the existence of pros piracy
EXECUTOR OF MY WILL: I’m so sorry for your loss. Mr. Nadeau has requested he be mummified, but in Fruit Roll-Ups.
WIFE: *Knocks on coffin* Andrew. You have to stop doing this. Are you alive?
ME: *Muffled* No.
WIFE:
ME: *Muffled but sadder* Maybe.
ME: “Personally I think it should be called a ‘fastboat’ instead of a ‘speedboat’ – ‘slow’ is also a speed.”
DATE: “I meant what do you think of the meal.”