Maintaining the universe’s equilibrium by taking on all the stuff everyone is giving up for Lent
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Just told my dog to say goodnight to his brother, the houseplant
That awkward moment when someone asks if you’ve dyed your hair and you say no, its just clean.
Reasons to jump:
1. Trampoline
2. Skydiving
3. Bungee jumping
4. Kris Kross made you
I made the mistake of meeting one of my cat’s demands and now he has more.
I have a new alter ego named Princess of Optimism. You may call me Poo.
Any bar can be a dive-bar if you wear a snorkel
Just deep cleaned the whole house, so disaster should ensue in 3…2…
“MOM! CAN I MAKE A SMOOTHIE?”
The most dangerous types of canoes are volcanoes.
I’m currently number 43 in a queue on the phone.
Please, your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Ffs
🤣could you imagine
Them: hey, you coming for drinks after work?
Me:…
The media be like here’s what you need to know about protecting your privacy online, subscribe to view article
how do they get the mashed potatoes into the french fry shell
I wish my car ran on shattered dreams instead of gas. I’d be able to make it to Canada on my failed ninja goals alone.
Life is short. Take risks. Run with scissors. Dance with scissors like nobody’s watching. Stop waiting for tomorrow to do cool shit with scissors.
Pretty sure I just heard a grown man wrestle a bear in a bathroom stall at Chipotle.
What can I eat that’s healthy and a donut?
“you changed, bro” yeah no shit i’m a cockroach. please help me out of bed
“I just read last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don’t want to start any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number?”
People: “You look so unapproachable”
Me: “And yet,here you are”
Current fitness level: my arm gave out while blow drying my hair.
Bird snatches worm: Haha beat you to it sleepy head!
*blam!*
And early riser Hunter Harry gets delicious fried pheasant for lunch.
I read that peacocks “are obsessed with food and can become extremely aggressive when you dangle french fries in front of them”.
See you all later. I’m moving in with my new family now.
Welcome to parenthood: where the laundry basket is always full and the threats are always empty.
My dishes are lined up like my sink is the hottest night club the world has ever seen.
A really cute girl started working out next to me at the gym so i switched to super heavy weights to impress her someone please call an ambulance
My 1-year-old is learning to give a high-five, but she’s unclear on where her hand should land. She basically just slaps people in the face.
[choosing a daycare: first child]
Wife: what certifications do your employees have? what curriculum do you use?
Me: do your cameras have any blind spots?
[choosing a daycare: second child]
Wife: do you have any openings?
Me: what’s the latest we can pick them up?
Therapist: Your relationships are unhealthy
Me: I have a healthy relationship with denial
I’ll bet crowds were super disappointed every time Abraham Lincoln took the stage & didn’t pull a rabbit out of that hat.