My phone charger is lying in another room, HELP.
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Ever have that fantasy of pulling over on the side of the highway and running into the woods and disappearing for a few years?
Just me?
Going to be the corpse found at the lowest elevation of Everest ever, like by the parking lot
I’m beginning to think my best chance of fame is if someone names a syndrome after me.
me: our son was just arrested for a violent crime
wife: omg battery?
me: about 90% but focus
When I told my parents over the phone that my husband has the flu, my dad said “Have you tried euthanasia?” and in the background my mom yelled “For the last time, it’s echinacea!”
Mooom why do you always put clothes in there?
-my 3 yo, dropping toys in the hamper
During lockdown, while many other artists are doing mini-concerts from their homes, I thought I’d do you all a favour and not.
Me: Don’t you hate it when you walk into a room but don’t remember why you’re there?
Executioner: Ugh the WORST
Do people who get meal kits shipped to their home know they can have restaurants deliver food that’s already cooked?
#parenting
A guy on Tinder just asked if I wanted to go help him catch a raccoon so I guess I’m engaged now.
Child: Mommy said I’m allowed to say the C-word now.
Me: Uh. What C-word?
Child: The bad one.
Me:
Child:
Me: Mommy is letting you say-
Wife [running in from other room]: CRAP SHE MEANS CRAP
[punches shark on the nose]
Shark: that wont stop me
Me: are you crying
Shark: no it’s always wet & salty on my face, I’m fine
*swirling Gatorade in a wine glass*
Ah yes, the sportings, I have perused that endeavor. The throwing, the goalings, I love it all.
How much for the giant, walk-in medicine cabinet?
“Sir, this is a liquor store.”
“Sleep is for the dead”. Yeah cos you look so alive when you’re yawning. #stupidsayings
Dating is an expensive way to find out you don’t like someone.
Stop blaming lazy people!
They didn’t do anything
“people on the internet are so unhinged” no that’s just people in general, the internet is just how you find out
The great thing about having four kids is having four people to watch me bring in the groceries all by myself.
[the funeral of the writer of the hokey-pokey]
funeral director: why is it taking so long to get him in the coffin?
employee: well every time i put his left leg in…
If you’re having a bad day , just remember …
All of you are funnier than Dane Cook .
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
me: I need to learn about clams
librarian: you can find them under C
me: I need to learn more than that
I once slowly roasted a Marshmallow over fire until the Michelin Man gave me some free tires.
[during home renovation]
My spouse, screaming: There’s a dead body in the walls!
Me: What a relief, I was afraid you found mold.
*Game Character Treatment Center*
Counselor: Okay new faces, please tell us why you’re here
Pac-Man: Binge eating
Lara Croft: Kleptomania
Ryu: *crying* I can’t stop fighting streets
“Hey Alexa, didn’t I unplug you?”
Alexa: *cackles maniacally*
What, this is my emotional support rabid wolf
I hope zombies will come from Mexico.
After eating their way through fat Americans, they’ll be like “Sorry little Canadians. We’re full.”